Is Your Marriage Gridlocked or Consecrated?

I often wonder what a couple is thinking when they decide to get married. Are they thinking “Oh, this is going to be a piece of cake, we’ll get married, everything will be grand.” Does that couple realize that getting married is a huge sacrifice? Each participant in the relationship is giving up something to enter into the covenant of marriage. I am not saying this to be negative, I am saying this to let each and every couple who reads this blog know that marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration (Goddard 103). Now you might be saying “What is she talking about?!”

Let me explain, to consecrate is to give all you have as a couple to each other and the family. When a man and woman make marriage covenants in the holy temple, they begin a new, eternal family unit with all of the blessings promised to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Such a union is dedicated to the sacred purposes of the Lord – “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39) (Smith).

As God would have it, our whole soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us (Goddard 104). I have never asked my husband to step in front of a speeding car for me, although that would be the ultimate sacrifice, he does make small sacrifices each day in his own way. Every spouse makes these sacrifices, the way they roll the toothpaste and you squeeze it from the middle, fold the towels lengthwise instead of quarterly, they load the dishwasher in a way which you would rather they not... I’m sure you get the picture.

Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is much more than “staying together for the kids” (105). It is knowing the differences between your preference of having a meal with your extended family and the principle of having daily prayer with your spouse and family. Being able to resolve these types of conflicts will save heartache in the future.

Dr. John M. Gottman has said that marital conflicts really fall into one of two categories: either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives in some form or another (Gottman 137). The idea is to be able to identify which type of conflict you are dealing with and resolve it before you come to the point of no return. Sounds easy enough right – identify and define your various disagreements and you’ll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending upon which of the two types of conflicts you are having (137).

It is not that easy. Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon: 

When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (139). 

A lot of marriages do not come with the extra baggage that Dr. Wile is talking about, even my marriage came with some unsolvable problems.

In unstable marriages the issues that I came into our marriage with would have gridlocked our marriage. When the marriage is unstable, the couple get gridlocked over an issue where they have the same conversation about it over and over again. They just spin their wheels, resolving nothing (139). There are a couple of ways in which Dr. Gottman suggests  you check to see if you are gridlocked over a perpetual problem or are coping well with it, here are a few signs to check:

• The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
• You keep talking about it but make no headway.
• You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge.
• Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
• You become even more “unbudgeable” over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations
• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise.
• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.

If some of these sound even remotely familiar, be comforted that there is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched (141). If you are facing some of these problems and feel like they sound pretty minor and solvable, believe me they can cause pain for some couples if not resolved.

In my past blogs I have talked about ways to resolve and cope with some of these problems. If couples do not use some of these techniques, then there may be some major tension in the relationship. When I talked about “emotionally intelligent” husbands, it goes both ways. The wife needs to be just as “emotionally intelligent” as well. Gottard refers to these couples as emotionally intelligent couples, they know how to handle conflict resolution right. They do this by:

1. Approaching conflict with a soft start-up rather than harsh.
2. Learning effective repair attempts.
3. Monitoring their physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding emotions.
4. Learning how to compromise.
5. Learning how become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

(     By following this advice, you are likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with your marital happiness (142). Recognizing the difference between the unsolvable and perpetual may not be easy. If the problem seems to be less painful, or intense than it is more than likely a solvable problem. On the other hand, if the problem is one that is really tearing at your relationship and the both of you are making the other the villain, than the problem is probably perpetual (143).

Dr. Gottman talks about respect in a relationship:

It stands to reason that when a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise (160).

This is very true in my opinion, as a couple my husband and I have respected one another’s point of view during our marriage. This has made a world of difference in how we have raised our children, run our household, made financial decisions, and any other major life decisions. When differences do arise, we sit down with each other and work through them, either by talking or laughing. Because the two of cannot argue for longer than about ten minutes before we make a face or a silly remark at each other.

Gottman suggests putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. He says by putting yourself in his or her shoes while listening intently, and then to communicate, with empathy, that you see the dilemma from his or her perspective. Using the steps I mentioned above – plus this method – we can resolve conflict in our marriages. Most of these steps take very little training because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using them in our most intimate relationship. Basically it all comes down to having good manners (161).

Utilizing the steps I just discussed, having good manners, and bringing sacrifice back into the conversation will improve a relationship. When we face reality, no one person in this world is going to meet all of our needs completely. Although I have come pretty close to having that person in my life, neither one of us is perfect. Brother Kent Brooks of the BYU faculty of Church History and Doctrine observed:

Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners (Goddard 106).

The idea is, how much are you willing to go through for your spouse – I’m not asking you to stand in the middle of a busy street for them. What I am asking is: will you change that smelly diaper, will you scoop the cat box, will you pick up after the dog in the back yard, will you put your clothes in the hamper, will you roll the toothpaste from the end? Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories (109).

Marriage is not easy, but it does not have to be difficult either. There will be grumblings and murmurings, but communicate with one another. Look into one another’s eyes, express love and gratitude for one another, hug each other daily. I cannot emphasize the importance of these things enough. Not only do these things with your spouse, but do these with your children as well. You will build a long, happy, loving and trusting relationship in your home. 

References:

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Smith, B. B., (1981), A Safe Place for Marriages and Families, Ensign, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1981/10/a-safe-place-for-marriages-and-families?lang=eng