Charity - The Pure Love

It is obvious that the decision of who you marry is the most important of your life. You must make the right decision with your head and with your heart. In other words, it has to feel right in your heart and make sense in your mind. “This is the spirit of revelation” (see Doctrine & Covenants 8:2–3).

Look back to Valentine’s Day, did you give your sweetheart a little candy kiss that said something like “my girl,” “kiss me,” “she’s cute,” or “I love you?” Was there something specific you were looking for? If you could print your own candy hearts to describe the ideal man or woman, what would you look for (Robbins)? 

If you are wondering where I am going with this idea. I want to you to look at how the Lord loved the Church and apply His behaviors to the loving relationship that should exist between couples. 

Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 13 and Moroni 7 to find out about the meaning of charity and true love:

True love—charity—suffereth long.

Is patient instead of impatient and tolerant of imperfections instead of intolerant.

Is helpful instead of being critical of weaknesses. Charity does not criticize, is not cranky, and does not complain.

True love envieth not.

It is content, frugal, and grateful for blessings; is not covetous, resentful, jealous, or greedy; avoids unnecessary debt; and is a full tithe payer. Charity is not selfish or vain, and it lives within its income.

True love is not puffed up.

Is humble and teachable, does not seek attention, praises others, does not murmur or belittle.

True love doth not behave itself unseemly.

Is courteous, well-mannered, reverent, respectful, and mindful, as well as clean, neat, and considerate of other’s property and feelings; is not crude, indecent, or improper.

True love seeketh not her own.

Is tenderhearted, caring, sharing, sensitive, compassionate, generous, and united; thinks we, not I; listens; seeks to please God; is not demanding, controlling, or manipulative; does not blame; and says, “I’m sorry.”

True love is not easily provoked.

Is forgiving, patient, calm, gentle, and respectful; is a peacemaker who does not get angry, irritable, or vengeful; is not abusive in word or deed; does not swear or quarrel.

True love thinketh no evil.

Is not judgmental but respectful and trusting, pure and obedient; does not think evil of others by gossiping or finding fault; is modest in thought, dress, and speech; is not deceitful, cruel, or dishonest; avoids inappropriate music, pornography, and dirty jokes.

True love rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth.

Has a temple recommend and wants an eternal marriage; stays close to the Spirit through regular scripture study and prayer; is responsible; is not light-minded.

True love beareth all things.

Is bold and patient with affliction and trials (this does not mean that abuse victims should silently bear cruelty or follow a spouse who is disobedient to God); is grateful; does not insult others; is not defensive, irritable, touchy, or grouchy; is not weary in well-doing.

True love believeth all things.

Is cheerful; sees the eternal potential of a spouse; makes the least of the worst and the most of the best; shows by actions that there is a firm belief in eternal families; holds fast to the iron rod; has goals, dreams, a vision, and plans for a happy, successful life together.

True love hopeth all things.

Is an optimist who looks for the best; praises, builds up, and expresses affection.

True love endureth all things.

Doesn’t complain or murmur, is steadfast, accepts responsibility, and is industrious while showing initiative.

True love never faileth.

The Lord is describing a love that deals with our behavior. And behavior isn’t something you fall into or out of. Behavior is something you control and decide. Agency is involved here (Robbins).

This is what marriage is about, when a couple enters into the covenant of marriage, the “I” is gone and the “We” begins. By putting our spouse’s needs before our own, this is where the charity begins, sounds like a strange concept doesn’t it? It really isn’t all that different than giving service to a friend, and isn’t your spouse your best friend, well they should be! This makes for a happier home, happier spouse, and happier children.

Marvin J. Ashton explains, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down” (Goddard 116).

So what does this look like in real life? Well, how do you react when you are blamed for something? Usually with defense, right? Then with a pretty strong emotion, probably a lot of that flooding I’ve talked about before, and we see more faults in our spouse. Can we see the “mote” for the “beam” in our own eye? As Goddard points out, we are in some ways contributing to our own unhappiness.

There is hope, at every critical juncture we can choose compassion. We can choose understanding, patience, and personal growth. We can, as Gottman suggests, “find the glory in our marital story.” We can use our differences to balance each other and to spur growth (119).

I had to smile as I read this quote from Goddard: “Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other” (119). This may be true in some cases, but I beg to differ in mine. I happen to be blessed with a spouse who is extraordinary, he is one of those “emotionally intelligent” people who blesses people with his charity and love. Thus, I choose to see my spouse in a different way than most people.

As Wendy Watson observed, “the best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other. … An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend” (126).

One thing Dr. John M. Gottman suggests you do for an entire week is to offer your spouse at least one genuine, heartfelt praise each day (Gottman 283). Can you imagine the effects this would have on your relationship?! The charity your spouse would feel from you, the love that would build, even if you already have a strong relationship it would be even stronger. Do this with other family members as well, this will strengthen your whole household, and bring the spirit of Christ’s love even stronger into your home.

References:

Holy Bible KJV

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Robbins, L.G., (2003). Finding your sweetheart. Ensign, https://www.lds.org/new-era/2003/09/finding-your-sweetheart?lang=eng

The Book of Mormon