Are You On The Same Page?

In these past few months I have talked about the importance of keeping close to your spouse. This post is just as important, as I delve into the importance of “being one” in parenting. As the parents of six children, my husband and I have tried to be harmonious when it comes to our parenting techniques. Have we been perfect? No, not by far, as with all parents we have made our mistakes. It is crucial for a parent to learn and grow from those mistakes.

They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration.  Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action.  They should consult, pray, and decide together…   Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other.  Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives (Marion G. Romney, Ensign, March 1978, pp. 2–4).

One of the greatest blessings a couple can give to their children is to have a home filled with love and the spirit of Christ. Not only that, but as parents the couple must be unified in all aspects of keeping the home running smoothly.

Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed (H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, July 1989, p. 9).   

Part of working together is the dreaded disciplining of the children. I believe that President Spencer W. Kimball put it best when he said:

Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him.  If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).

As parents it is our job to be clear about the standards we wish our children to follow. And we must follow those standards as well. The best way for a child to learn is through example. By living the covenants we have made at our baptisms and in the temple, our children will see how they should act. No, we are not expected to be perfect parents.

As Henry B. Eyring stated, “A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power. A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.” (Eyring).

This unity is vital when a couple are in front of their children. There is nothing worse than when a child sees their parents divided in thought and mind. If you and your spouse are in disagreement about how to discipline, take yourselves to a different room to discuss the issue. I can tell you, this drives the teenagers crazy, from experience… and it also shows that they cannot play one parent against another.

Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time.  The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect.  The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic.  She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284).

It is of utmost importance to not say, “Go ask your father/mother,” or “Wait until your father/mother gets home.” If you and your spouse are on the same parenting wavelength, then you will know how to handle most situations without empty threats or scare tactics. On the same note, do not worry about trying to be your child’s best friend, they will respect you more if you retain your parental hierarchy. I know that sounds archaic, it is true, from experience. You will have plenty of time to be friends with them later. Right now, your job is to help them to learn and grow.

Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums.  Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.  You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5).

My husband and I have four children who are grown and out of the house. We have one adult son who continues to live at home, he is twenty and is beginning a new career. I bring this up because as parents we will all face a time when we must push our children out into the world. It is not the easiest thing a parent can do, as President Kimball said above, you love your children more than ever but they also need to learn on their own.

A quote from President Kimball which really hits the mark is this:

Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home.  Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children…  Live your own life (President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage, p. 17).

Again, the parents must be equal in their thoughts, even with adult children. If one of our children has a major issue and needs assistance, it is discussed with my husband. This is part of being one with your spouse, making those decisions together.

Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction (Dr. Ross Eshleman, The Family, 2003, p. 331).

A prime example of working together is this interview with President Gordon B. Hinckley and Marjorie Hinckley:

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that?
Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.
Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?
President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life (Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27).

As a couple, my husband and I have tried to be conscientious when it came to two things in our marriage: the love and discipline of our children and keeping the covenants we made in the temple. Equality in marriage is of prime importance, never has he dominated me, nor I him. We “check” with each other before spending money, scheduling an appointment or other important event that may affect our relationship. It is this open communication that has kept us best friends for the past twenty-five years.

Reference:

Eyring, H.B. (1998), “That We May Be One,” LDS General Conference. (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng)