“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself,” (Eph. 5:23-25, 28)
I have talked extensively about the importance of the
emotional intimacy between couples in this blog. There is another facet in a
marriage that is just as important, that is the physical intimacy between a man
and a woman which occurs after they are married. The problem many young people
of the Latter-day Saint faith face is the lack of true knowledge as to where to
find the answers regarding marital matters. We are admonished to seek knowledge
from “the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom”
(see Doctrine and Covenants 88:118).
This is to include physical intimacy. Heavenly Father
intended us to be thus so:
“God said to man, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that moveth upon the Earth.’ (Genesis 1:28) Well, he has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in women towards man, and in man towards women and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes” (John Taylor, Gospel Kingdom, 61).
There are questions one would probably ask, such as: Is
satisfaction reached the same way for both men and women? How often should a
couple be together? What is appropriate or not appropriate in terms of sexual
expression? And so on (Brotherson). Obviously it is difficult to answer these
delicate questions, as each relationship is different and each married couple
will find they have their own way of expressing intimate love for one another.
It is perfectly okay to ask questions, do not be afraid to
ask, there are wonderful Latter-day Saint books out there with excellent
answers. Do not be shy about picking them up, you might just find the answer
you are looking for. Although it has been said that marriage is the school of
love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is
absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression
and intimacy (Brotherson).
When I joined the LDS church, I had many questions as to
what was and was not appropriate behind the bedroom door. I wanted to ensure
that I was living the principles and covenants I had made when I was baptized.
Unfortunately I was not getting the correct answers from member friends and I
was very confused. Lucky for me, I found the right answers by asking Heavenly
Father for answers. It is okay to pray about this, He is not so cruel as to
leave you on your own with this dilemma. As President Kimball stated:
Let’s talk about an area that is usually off limits, or
rarely talked about, as Latter-day Saints and sometimes even for non-members as
well. This is the dialogue about the sanctity, power and emotional depth of
proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife. For
the most part what we listen to is what Satan tempts us to do and what we are
taught by the Church not to do (Brotherson). I am not saying this is wrong,
what I am saying is that we also need not be ignorant about intimacy in our
marriages. Elder Richard G. Scott has said:
“When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth. Such sacred expressions of love are an essential part of the covenant of marriage. Within marriage…those emotions can either be used to allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful, appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife. There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain you feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage” (Scott).
President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the
First Presidency, wrote the following about sexual intimacy in his book You and Your Marriage:
“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose” (Brotherson).
Why is this such a big deal to me? Because I know so many
young men and women who are members and non-members alike that have wonderful
values. They are saving themselves for their wedding night, yet they wake up on
their honeymoon morning and wonder if what they did the night before was okay.
They wonder if they have committed an unnatural act, or some sin against
Heavenly Father, it is important for them to know that sexual intimacy with
their spouse is okay as long as it is not domineering, indecent, or
uncontrolled (Hunter).
One thing I can say is this, do not be afraid to talk to
each other about your feelings in the bedroom, sexual intimacy is not something
to shy away from. Do not be embarrassed to bring up the subject with your
spouse. If you can talk to your best friend (who should be your spouse) about
anything, then this is anything! If there is an issue, if something is not
going right, if you are feeling neglected, talk to your spouse about it. The
worst thing in the world is to let it go, because then it will just fester, and
when something festers then it becomes a blister. Eventually that blister will
pop, and things get nasty.
Sex is not something to use as a weapon in an argument, so
if you are having issues in the bedroom, then you are prone to throw it at your
spouse in the heat of things. Sexual fulfillment flourishes in an atmosphere of
warmth and positive expressions toward each other, while such fulfillment
suffers when spouses are cool or emotionally disconnected from each other due
to anger or apathy (Brotherson). The best thing to do is to keep the
conversation open, remember my earlier blogs about being turning toward each
other. This is the perfect time to do just that.
Remember that sexual intimacy in a marriage is a sacred and
beautiful experience between you and your spouse. This is something given as a
gift from our Heavenly Father to not only allow us to have the blessings of
families, but also to be close to one another as loving couples. President
Kimball has observed:
“The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’” (Quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974, p. 7.)
Although the scriptures do not specifically say the word sex when referring to the act, it is
described in the scriptures with the words know
or knew. This idea of “knowing” or
“becoming acquainted with” connotes a deeply satisfying aspect of married love
(Barlow). I truly believe that the emotional relationship I have been talking
about in my past posts and the sexual intimacy go hand in hand. The oneness of
a relationship, there is not “I” as I have said before, in a marriage.
When it comes to sexual intimacy, both men and women are
hopeless romantics and are just as affectionate as the other. I know this
because I am married to one who enjoys giving me hugs and kisses. We are
fulfilling marital intimacy through respect and appreciation for each other.
The love that I share with my husband is one of concern,
patience, and tenderness. We have a sensitivity to each other’s feelings and
there is no selfishness in our relationship. This is because we allow the
spirit to guide our relations and follow the guidelines as given by the
Prophets and the Holy Scriptures.
References:
Barlow, B.A. (1986). They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on
Intimacy in Marriage. Ensign https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng
Brotherson, S.E. (2003). Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship
in Marriage. Meridian Magazine.
Hunter, H.W. (1994). Being a Righteous Husband and Father. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1994/11/being-a-righteous-husband-and-father?lang=eng
Kimball, S.W. (1982). The
Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball.
Scott, R.G. (2000). The Sanctity of Womanhood. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2000/05/the-sanctity-of-womanhood?lang=eng
The Holy Bible KJV
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