In my last blog post I spoke of Adam and Eve and their
eternal marriage. Heavenly Father did not leave their marriage as the final
say, he echoed the message in this day by saying, “It is lawful that [man]
should have one wife, and they twain shall be one flesh, and all this that the
earth might answer the end of its creation.” (Doctrine & Covenants 49:16; see
also Gen. 2:24).
Marriage is about putting the relationship in the forefront,
and yourself secondary. This does not mean that our individual needs and
interests are forgotten. This means that we learn to work as a team in
marriage, of course to do this, we have to be able to humble ourselves and look
at our flaws.
I know, this is a difficult thing to do. Especially in a
world where we are taught that we are supposed to be perfect. As H. Wallace Goddard
commented, today’s culture teaches a very different lesson from traditional
wisdom: We now hear that it is noble and worthy to focus on our own needs
(Goddard 70). Roy Baumeister, a contemporary social psychologist, has observed:
Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves; rather, it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself, and so forth.
Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified – perhaps even obligated – to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one. According to today’s new values, “a kind of selfishness is essential to love” (70).
We need to be careful
when it comes to selfishness, it does not belong in a marriage. President Ezra
Taft Benson counseled, selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride.
“How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters – self-conceit,
self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking
(Benson).
The world teaches when you are married you things like “Defend
yourself,” “You don’t have to put up with that,” and “Backing down is a sign of
weakness.” When in truth, being a Christlike example and turning the other
cheek is the way to live. This is not bowing down to your spouse, and your
spouse is not bowing down to you either.
What I mean is learning about ourselves and each other in
the marriage, and sometimes it is not very pleasant. Facing these challenges is
exactly what is needed to grow and become more Christlike, what do we do when
we face each other during conflict? Do we turn away from each other or do we
turn toward each other?
If we go by the “world” we will turn away, that makes
logical sense, right? After all, there is no foundation of faith, so we may as
well look after number one. This is where Satan wins. During the stress of marriage and parenthood
our faults maybe begin to be show, we might be tempted to strike out and blame
others – like our spouse or children – for these issues. Satan will laugh us
into conflict and misunderstanding – unless we yield to the enticings of the
Holy Spirit and put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19).
You might be asking yourself what it means to “put off the
natural man” (Goddard 71). Basically it means to be humble. No, I am not saying
you need to humble yourself to your spouse and always do what they say. But
between the two of you, work together to keep respect, appreciation, and love
for each other. There are enough pressures in the outside world without
bringing them into your home.
If there is a time when problems arise and selfishness comes
into play, think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed,
marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from
confessing our sins and forsaking them (See D&C 58:43) (Benson).
With humility comes repentance. Humility opens us up to the
experience of others and to the truth of Heaven. We must set aside our
provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner’s
perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective (Goddard 71).
During this time we have to realize if we have invited this
truth into our hearts, which we see not only are we probably annoyed with our
spouse, we have probably annoyed our spouse as well. We can either leave things
as they are, or we can repent and ask for forgiveness.
A good motto kept in our marriage is to “forgive and move
on.” This sentiment is echoed in a talk given by Richard B. Miller at BYU in
2010, he gave this advice:
If you are still upset after all of these months because your spouse didn’t take you to your favorite restaurant on your birthday, forget it. If your spouse continually doesn’t load the dishwasher correctly despite your best instructional techniques, leave it alone and move on. If your spouse spent the entire evening at his or her mission reunion speaking a language that you don’t understand, get over it.
As President Packer said, “We call that forgiveness.” Our marital relationship is too important for us to clutter our minds and hearts with resentment that is created by dwelling on the faults and weaknesses of our spouse. We need to forgive and move on (Miller).
Remember, no one is perfect. We are put on this earth to learn and grow.
We are teaching one another, we are teaching our children. Dr. John M. Gottman
comments that wives complain men still aren’t doing their fair share of
domestic chores and child care (Gottman 125). This makes me wonder how many of
these wives yield control to their spouses, or better yet, how many of the
spouses actually accept the influence of their wives and step in to help.
Gottman talks about husbands who are “emotionally
intelligent,” describing them as having figured out how to keep that detailed
map I blogged about before, keeping the admiration and fondness for her, and he
communicates it by turning toward her in his daily actions. This not only
benefits the spouse, but the children as well. Because he is so connected to
his wife, she will come to him not only in troubled times, but in good times,
and so will his children (124-125).
Why do I add this little tidbit? Because it reminds me of my
own marriage and family. This is what I hope for all marriages. To have a
marriage where you can turn to your spouse and know you can trust that person
with your deepest, darkest secrets. To know that your children can feel
comfortable calling either one of you on the telephone from anywhere in the
world for advice. That person is your best friend and will be with you for
eternity.
References:
Benson, E.T., (1989). Beware of pride. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng
Book of Mormon
Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing
heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results.
Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing
Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from
the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony
Books.
KJV Bible
Miller, R.B., (2011). Repentance and forgiveness in
marriage. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/09/repentance-and-forgiveness-in-marriage?lang=eng
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