Do you realize that your marriage is a living organism? Take
a step back and look at the effort it takes to keep a happy relationship
intact. In past blogs I have talked about being best friends with your partner
and the importance of getting to know each other. Getting to know one another
does not stop when you marry. People are still growing and evolving throughout
life. Make sure that as each of you grow, ensure that you are aware of the
joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses that are happening to the other.
Love Maps
When emotionally intelligent
couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world, Dr. Paul Gottman refers to this as a love map. The couple remembers the
major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information
as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change (Gottman 54). Having
this type of knowledge strengthens a marriage. There will be times, as mentioned
before, when feelings will be hurt or something will seem a bit out of whack.
The only way to get to the bottom of the issue is to know our spouse.
Part of getting to the issue is listening to our spouse. We
must open our ears and our hearts, not just pay lip service. How many times do we find ourselves just saying, “Uh huh,” when our spouse is earnestly spilling
their day out to us? If we listen carefully and learn humbly about our
partners’ points of view, we will be enlarged and enriched (Goddard 43). When
asking our partner about their day, be ready to listen, and really absorb what
they are saying. This may be the most important clue as to how they are growing
spiritually, emotionally, mentally.
Using this knowledge goes perfectly into the idea of
Gottman’s love map. Couples who have
detailed love maps of each other’s
world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. Surprisingly,
Gottman points out that a major source of marital dissatisfaction and divorce
is having a child (Gottman 54). This was news to me, as I had always thought
that adding a special little spirit was a wonderful decision, evidently this is
not always the case.
Some marriages do not thrive so well when it comes to adding
a bundle of joy to the mix. This is because these couples are not acutely aware
of each other in the first place, their love
map is not in place and they “lost their way”. If a couple keeps up to date
with each other and are already aware of what each other is feeling and
thinking, they will not be thrown off course (55). Of course, having a child is
just one example, there are many other events in life which can throw a couple
off course. Ensuring that you know each other is the major key in keeping on a
steady course to eternal happiness.
Remember to keep updating your love map on a regular basis.
The more you know about each other’s inner world, the more profound and
rewarding your relationship will be (62). I have spent the past twenty-four
plus years getting to know my husband, every day I learn something new about
him. I am blessed for this opportunity, we are growing and learning spiritually
and emotionally together – our love map.
Interestingly, we did not even know we were following this guideline all along.
Happily married couples don’t “just” know each other. They
build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways. For starters, they
use their love maps to express not
only their understanding of each other but their fondness and admiration as
well (66).
Expressions of Love
Expressions of Love
Over the years my husband and I have never held back when it
came to expressing our feelings for one another. We have always told each other
“I love you” or “You look handsome” or “You look gorgeous,” well you get the
picture. Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a
rewarding and long-lasting relationship according to Dr. Gottman (69). Sometimes a partner may have some issues that
really drive us nuts, nobody is perfect, we are not meant to be. Interestingly,
this has been addressed by the Prophets and Apostles, as noted in this quote
from Elder Joe J. Christensen:
“Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become. “‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive” (Christensen 19).
When a relationship comes to the point where there is
constant nagging, take a step back and think about what brought the two of you
together. Not what began the argument, but think about your wedding or when you
met, now what were you fighting about again?! When my husband and I argue, the
arguments rarely last more than a half hour at the most. We usually end up
making faces at each other, giggling, or saying something silly to lighten the
mood. The issue is resolved and the day moves on. Never go to bed angry, always
kiss each other goodnight. I like what Gordon B. Hinckley had to say about
marriage:
“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another” (Hinckley 24).
Being positive is essential in a good relationship, I am a
genuinely positive person for many reasons, which I will not delve into I have
had to be. Having this positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a
powerful buffer when bad times hit. Having a reserve of good feelings will
prevent a cataclysm of thoughts about separation and divorce each time an
argument arises (Gottman 71).
Heavenly Father promises, “Give, and it shall be given unto
you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall
men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it
shall be measured to you again” (Luke 6:38).
One last thought I’d like to leave with this post is to
cherish your spouse. Cherishing is a
habit of mind in which, when you are separated during the course of the day,
you maximize thoughts of your partner’s positive qualities and minimize
thoughts of negative ones (78). By doing this you will have the opportunity to
realize the worth of your spouse, and when you reunite at the end of the day,
you will appreciate those blessings.
References:
Christensen, J.J., Marriage and Family Relations
Participant’s Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage:
Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing
Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for
making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost
relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.
Hinckley, G. B., Marriage and Family Relations Participant’s
Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
The Holy Bible, (1979). Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. Salt Lake City, UT.
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