Turn Toward An Eternal Bond

We are taught an eternal perspective to marriage, in this I truly believe that Heavenly Father did not intend the husband-wife relationship to last only for this life. Adam and Eve were married by Heavenly Father before the Fall, and their actions in the garden did not invalidate their holy marriage. Death did not separate them, as they were reunited in the spirit world. Exaltation in the modern days is only available to husbands and wives, a man and a woman who love each other dearly and are worthy, in the Holy Temple. As I have said before, being married in the Holy Temple enters a couple into “a new and everlasting covenant of marriage” (Doctrine & Covenants 131-4).

With such a wonderful start to marriages, one would think that everything would be of the utmost perfection. Elder Robert D. Hales reminded us:

“An eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities. The family relationships we have here on this earth are important, but they are much more important for their effect on our families for generations in mortality and throughout all eternity” (Hales).

President Ezra Taft Benson taught us that “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives…We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives” (Benson). What does this mean? It means what I have said previously, marriage is made up of little thorns that wheedle their way under a couple’s skin and cause irritation. You might find yourself grumbling about the way the toothpaste tube is used, the toilet paper roll is put on (does it really matter which way the paper faces?!), how your spouse tucks in their shirt, or any other miniscule irritation. Really, I am sure I can go on and on, but you have the picture by now. Once you get these things into your head, they transform from being small things into these enormous monstrosities that block out the wonderful person you married. These are the nitpicky things I referred to in my last blog post. 

Do not fret, these things can be overcome, and believe it or not, your significant other has probably done the same thing to you! Why does this happen, because Satan has seen what a wonderful relationship you have and has decided to dig a wedge in there. By keeping an eternal perspective on your marriage at all times, you can keep the adversary out and Heavenly Father in. I know, it is not all roses, and there will always be trials. Trials are for growth, they are not always bad, remember that.

So, back to the eternal perspective. H. Wallace Goddard has suggested that instead of judging our partner, we invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity (Goddard 59-60). I find this to be true, as we turn toward our spouses with love and kindness, they too will do the same with us. Which brings me to the next topic, turning toward your spouse.

When we have issues as described above, our tendency is to turn away, walk away, or get defensive. Do not tell me that you have not done it, as I know I have at one time or another, no one is perfect. We’re not s’posed to be perfect! Okay, I have your attention again. Look here, Dr. John Gottman spends hours upon hours studying archives filled with endlessly dull scenes in which, for example, the husband looks out the picture window and says, “Wow, look at that boat,” and the wife peers over magazine and says, “Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” and the husband grunts (Gottman 87).

Why does he do this? Because he is looking for something in particular, he knows after years of study, that couples who engage in lots of interaction tend to remain happy. What is happening in that little back and forth over the newspaper and picture window is the couple is connecting – they are turning toward each other (87).

Oh, I know, how romantic, right? It is not always like it is in the movies, for that I am thankful. Because after nearly twenty-five years, my relationship with my husband has never been anything near a Hollywood movie scene. This is okay, because we are happily married and the best friends. In our marriage we make what Gottman calls “bids” for attention – now mind you I did not know this is what they were called and that we were doing it – in marriage, couples are always making “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. These can be as minor ask asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill (88).

The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, and passion. Now this may sound crazy, but Gottman even says that romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, “Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically (88). But I am telling you, it is not crazy, because this is exactly what my husband and I do and have done.

Every time a couple turns toward one another, they are building up trust with each other. When the day comes that an issue arises, the couple is less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during those hard times (89). But marriage isn’t just about raising kids and splitting chores… (261).

Which, I can definitely attest! There is so much more to marriage, it is about making life with each other, a special bond which no one else understands. Gottman could have been talking about my marriage when he said this “Part of marriage’s culture, the story they tell themselves, about themselves, is what a great team they make, how feisty they are, how they thumbed their noses at all the naysayers and succeeded against the odds” (261). Did this mean that my husband shared the same dream? No, it just means that we found ways to turn toward each other, or as Gottman puts it to “mesh” (261).

We realized that even though our backgrounds growing up were quite different, we still held similar beliefs in raising children. This helped us to go forward and grow as a couple and as a family. The more shared meaning you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be. Along the way you’ll also be strengthening your marital friendship. This in turn will make it even easier to cope with any conflicts that crop up (263).

Marriages are strengthened when we incorporate the teachings and principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives and recognize that His mission is essential to our having an eternal companionship. Emotional and physical contact between husband and wife enriches that love, as a couple keeps the covenants and ordinances they have made in the Holy Temple before God, their relationship will continue through eternity.

References:

Benson, Ezra T. “The Great Commandment – Love the Lord,” Ensign, May 1988, online, https://www.lds.org/ensign/1988/05/the-great-commandment-love-the-lord?lang=eng

Doctrine & Covenants

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Hales, Robert D. “The Eternal Family,” Ensign, November 1996, p. 65