Eternal Friendship

You know when you meet someone and you just know that is THE one person you will be with forever? Yeah, me too. Although I don’t think he knew it. My two year old did though, she was already calling him “daddy” before he was ready for that. I had to laugh the first time he came back from a month long training mission (he was in the Army) and she said “DADDY!” His response, “No, just John!” and gave her a big hug. She knew better, and in his heart, so did he. Twenty-four years later I am still married to my best friend.

How can this be done? Keep a positive, happy, relationship. When a couple does have arguments, do not let them last long and talk them out. As Dr. John Gottman said “Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day to day lives they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs… This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of romance, play fun, adventure and learning together that are at the heart of any long-lasting love affair”(4).

Gottman also said that “at the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” (21). Couples who take the time to get to know each other before marriage tend to stay together. I am not talking intimately, I am talking about their likes and their dislikes. What movies they like, what foods do they eat, do they like cats or dogs. Are they allergic to cats or dogs?! Is there a certain trait that really bugs you that you did not realize they had before? These are things you need to know BEFORE you marry. If they bother you now, will you be able to live with them for eternity? Gottman uses an example of a couple hosting a party: 

Nathaniel calls, “Where are the napkins?” and Olivia yells back edgily, “They’re in the cupboard?” Because their marriage is founded on a firm friendship, he shrugs off her tone of voice and focuses instead on the information Olivia has given him – the napkins are in the cupboard (22). 

The point here is because their friendship is so strong, Nathaniel knows that Olivia gets a little stressed when she feels crunched on time. This is what marriage is all about, knowing how your partner feels and not over reacting when they get a little snippy.

I am not saying that marriage is always sunshine and roses. H. Wallace Goddard put it bluntly when he said “God did not design marriage as a retirement village where we sunbathe, work the buffet, and play golf” (16). It takes the help of the gospel to keep a good marriage in proper order. Knowing that “Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan” (Proclamation) will help to maintain the couple on the right course. We need to remember that if we make a mistake, have a squabble, spill a little milk, there is forgiveness to be had. Do not be too quick to judge. As H. Wallace Goddard reminds us, “How vital mercy is in family life! We forgive our parents of their flaws and limited knowledge. We forgive our partners for being human. We forgive our children for being children grace and mercy are at the heart of love family life” (32).

I will leave you with this last reminder from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, “True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us. We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it” (Wirthlin).

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

The First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles (1995) The Family: a proclamation to the world, retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Wirthlin, J.B., (2007). The great commandment. Ensign, retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng