Tony Robbins - Intimate Relationships

I found this YouTube video very interesting and thought I would share it.

Building the In-Law Relationship

Now that we have covered various couple dynamics, let’s talk about relationships with the in-laws. For some this is a point of contention, especially when the couple comes from different backgrounds. Getting along with your in-laws does not have to be a dreaded adventure, but there are some things a couple should think about heading into their marriage. I can honestly say that it has not always been an easy road for me and my husband when it came to working with in-laws, on either side. We have learned to do many of the suggestions I am about to share.

Leaving the Nest

One of the most difficult times in a parent’s life is when their child goes out on their own. When he or she comes home with a fiancé, reality sets in that the son or daughter is no longer a child, this is sometimes hard for parents to accept. This is a time for the parents to let go. Let your son or daughter know that no matter what, you are still there but allow them to create their own relationship.

The scriptures tell us “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24). The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as “to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast.” This is not only for the husband, this is for the wife as well, the newly married couples are to cleave unto each other. This does not mean that they do not need their parents, they just need them in a different role.

As I have learned from experience, when a child starts their own family it does not mean that as a parent you are completely abandoned. You have simply stepped into a new pair of shoes, those of strength, love, concern and encouragement. Your son or daughter will still call and ask for advice, but you must remember to allow the new couple room to grow and be independent. President Spencer W. Kimball cautioned parents and married children regarding their relationships:

“Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers. … Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things. . . Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. …Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together.”

Marital Identity

Once a couple is married, it is wise for the parents to remember that they are now in a new stage of their lives. The newly married couple is now their own family, and must be treated as such. This is now their time to develop a new identity as a couple, in their new marriage. If one or the other is having marital issues and wishes to share them with you, encourage them to speak to their spouse. As I have said previously in this blog, communication is one of the keys to a long lasting relationship.

Often the relationship between families can be a tug-of-war, with the wife’s mother giving the main tug on one end the husband’s mother at the other end. If this is the case, it is important for both the husband and wife not to be in the middle. Research demonstrates that daughters-in-law who use husbands as mediators with mothers-in-law often maker their own marriage and their relationship with the mother-in-law worse. Parents must give the newly married couple time to adjust and allow to be independent (Harper, 328).

President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Genesis 2:24, said: 

“She, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so clear to all of us. Even the children must take their proper but significant place. I have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in their affection and crowd out the father. That is a serious mistake.”

We might add that it is a serious mistake for newly married sons or daughters to put their parents in that first place and crowd out the new husband or wife. The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship (Harper, 328).

As difficult as it is for parents to not have their children at certain family functions, remember it is up to the couple to decide which function they are able to attend. Do not try to change the couples mind by laying on guilt trips or trying to manipulate them into attending your function over another if they have already made their own plans. Intrusion by in-laws, both physically by too many visits and phone calls, and emotionally by too many strongly held opinions, is a major concern of new daughters- and sons-in-law. When parents have difficulty with this, they need to look at whether they are too enmeshed with their children.

Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together, to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can’t attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt.

Parents who are enmeshed with their children may be tempted to use coercive strategies, which at first glance may appear acceptable. Parents should not attempt to play the martyr, they should allow their children to seek the Spirit and ask for their own spiritual answers. Married children are entitled to receive revelation for their stewardship in guiding their families, and parents and grandparents should support and encourage their married children to do so. This does not mean that parents and grandparents should always avoid giving spiritual guidance. When asked, they should offer their opinions, but even well intentioned parents or other family members should use great caution in assuming that they more powerful or immediate access to the Spirit than their married children. Rather than using coercive means to keep married children close, parents should realize that greater dependence on Heavenly Father will result when married children are encouraged to receive their own spiritual answers (Harper, 329).

This does not mean that you cannot be close to your married children and remain their friends, closeness, is different from enmeshment. Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present. Parents need to learn to let married children have their own experiences and solve their own problems, except for situations when parents are invited to provide input and support.

If married children are having enmeshment difficulties with their parents and parents-in-law, they may want to:

1. First express love to the parents for all that they do.
2. Explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity.
3. Explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship. It is important to express that this is not betrayal or withdrawal of love and to assure the parents that the couple will participate in some family activities (Harper, 329).

Giving a place where your children can safely express their feelings about how involved they would like you to be will have the greatest influence. They will also want to spend more time with you if you treat them with respect and love.

Triangulation is created when communication either builds a stronger relationship with the parent than the spouse, or excludes the spouse. Parents should encourage children to discuss matters with their spouses. In families where triangulation is common, information about children and their spouses shared with other family members could lead to gossip and subsequent estrangement (Harper, 330). Discourage gossip, this only leads to anger and hurt feelings.

Differences

Since we are not all raised the same, there are going to be differences in opinions, I have covered some of these already. Marrying into a family that is different from yours or had different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with the differences.

Mothers-in-law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases, this may be upsetting. Believe me, this was something my mom-in-law found out all too quickly, but we grew on each other. Now we get along pretty well, and have even found that we have many things in common.

Difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members. Prayer, fasting, and loving long-suffering are the best remedies when difference of children-in-law bother us (Harper, 330).

Inclusion

A primary issue for new spouses is how parents and other family members include a new person in their family system. Research has shown that lack of marital approval, in-law blaming or triangulation, intrusion, forcing loyalty issues, holding grudges, and refusing to redefine one’s role as a parent are related to poor in-law relationships and also jeopardize the marriage of the son or daughter.

In one study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval for support of parents to marry. If parents are anticipating the marriage of their son or daughter, they should encourage the couple to ask both sets of parents for permission to marry, but parents should also find numerous ways to give messages that they trust the child’s judgement and see him or her as fully capable of building a good marriage. …Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them (332). Although we trust our daughter’s judgement, we were pleased when her fiancé asked our permission via Skype to marry her, this meant a great deal to us.

Defining Roles

When new roles are being defined for both parents and children, it helps parents to realize that they have to make adjustments that may not always be comfortable. This is normal and the discomfort may disappear with time and effort. Parents sometimes worry that sons and daughters will like their in-laws more than they like them. It is wise to see this new set of parents as complementary rather than competitive replacements. Parents can be supportive by encouraging their child’s relationship with his or her in-laws, by inquiring sometimes about the well-being of the other in-laws, and by avoiding duplicating in a competitive way what the other set of in-laws does.

Even before they are married, couples begin to learn that their families are different. The more a person can learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the prospective spouse’s family, the easier it will be to feel included. Examples of unspoken rules include how family members handle conflict, who is involved in making decisions, how emotionally expressive family members can comfortably be, how humor is demonstrated in the family, or what topics should not be discussed. The clearer the rules are, the better, because new sons- or daughters-in-law can’t follow rules if they don’t understand them.

If a married couple finds a parent of other extended family member to be disruptive or harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together. They will need to decide what limits to place on the type of contact and time they spend with that family member. They should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds. At times, the situation may be deemed serious enough to warrant cutting off contact with in-laws and extended family members who actively seek to harm family members or destroy relationships.

Gloria Horsley listed five things that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are:

1. Giving advice.
2. Pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event.
3. Criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren.
4. Trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs.
5. Unclear and indirect communication.

Conversely, when parents-in-law do things right, their influence is remembered and felt long after they are gone.

Adult children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them. Research shows that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves, communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and push for a relational connection, they can have high-quality relationships with mothers-in-law (Harper, 332).

As a parent-in-law it is important to accept differences; encourage the marital identity of the children by helping them to develop and maintain marital boundaries; avoiding intrusion; only offer advice when asked; do not criticize; and work on a personal, positive relationship with the son- or daughter-in-law. These are some important opportunities that should not be missed. When my daughter and her fiancé were here over Christmas break, I tried to spend as much time with my future son-in-law as I could getting to know him. This helped to grow the relationship and develop our respect for the two of them as a couple.

Reference:

Harper, James M., and Susanne Frost Olsen (2005). Helping and Healing Our Families. (Deseret Book: Salt Lake City)

Are You On The Same Page?

In these past few months I have talked about the importance of keeping close to your spouse. This post is just as important, as I delve into the importance of “being one” in parenting. As the parents of six children, my husband and I have tried to be harmonious when it comes to our parenting techniques. Have we been perfect? No, not by far, as with all parents we have made our mistakes. It is crucial for a parent to learn and grow from those mistakes.

They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration.  Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action.  They should consult, pray, and decide together…   Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other.  Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives (Marion G. Romney, Ensign, March 1978, pp. 2–4).

One of the greatest blessings a couple can give to their children is to have a home filled with love and the spirit of Christ. Not only that, but as parents the couple must be unified in all aspects of keeping the home running smoothly.

Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do.  But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees.  Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed (H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, July 1989, p. 9).   

Part of working together is the dreaded disciplining of the children. I believe that President Spencer W. Kimball put it best when he said:

Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him.  If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).

As parents it is our job to be clear about the standards we wish our children to follow. And we must follow those standards as well. The best way for a child to learn is through example. By living the covenants we have made at our baptisms and in the temple, our children will see how they should act. No, we are not expected to be perfect parents.

As Henry B. Eyring stated, “A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power. A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.” (Eyring).

This unity is vital when a couple are in front of their children. There is nothing worse than when a child sees their parents divided in thought and mind. If you and your spouse are in disagreement about how to discipline, take yourselves to a different room to discuss the issue. I can tell you, this drives the teenagers crazy, from experience… and it also shows that they cannot play one parent against another.

Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time.  The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect.  The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic.  She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284).

It is of utmost importance to not say, “Go ask your father/mother,” or “Wait until your father/mother gets home.” If you and your spouse are on the same parenting wavelength, then you will know how to handle most situations without empty threats or scare tactics. On the same note, do not worry about trying to be your child’s best friend, they will respect you more if you retain your parental hierarchy. I know that sounds archaic, it is true, from experience. You will have plenty of time to be friends with them later. Right now, your job is to help them to learn and grow.

Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums.  Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.  You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it (Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5).

My husband and I have four children who are grown and out of the house. We have one adult son who continues to live at home, he is twenty and is beginning a new career. I bring this up because as parents we will all face a time when we must push our children out into the world. It is not the easiest thing a parent can do, as President Kimball said above, you love your children more than ever but they also need to learn on their own.

A quote from President Kimball which really hits the mark is this:

Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home.  Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children…  Live your own life (President Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage, p. 17).

Again, the parents must be equal in their thoughts, even with adult children. If one of our children has a major issue and needs assistance, it is discussed with my husband. This is part of being one with your spouse, making those decisions together.

Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction (Dr. Ross Eshleman, The Family, 2003, p. 331).

A prime example of working together is this interview with President Gordon B. Hinckley and Marjorie Hinckley:

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that?
Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.
Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?
President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life (Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27).

As a couple, my husband and I have tried to be conscientious when it came to two things in our marriage: the love and discipline of our children and keeping the covenants we made in the temple. Equality in marriage is of prime importance, never has he dominated me, nor I him. We “check” with each other before spending money, scheduling an appointment or other important event that may affect our relationship. It is this open communication that has kept us best friends for the past twenty-five years.

Reference:

Eyring, H.B. (1998), “That We May Be One,” LDS General Conference. (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng)

The Importance of Intimate Love

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. . . .  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself,” (Eph. 5:23-25, 28)

I have talked extensively about the importance of the emotional intimacy between couples in this blog. There is another facet in a marriage that is just as important, that is the physical intimacy between a man and a woman which occurs after they are married. The problem many young people of the Latter-day Saint faith face is the lack of true knowledge as to where to find the answers regarding marital matters. We are admonished to seek knowledge from “the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:118).

This is to include physical intimacy. Heavenly Father intended us to be thus so:

“God said to man, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that moveth upon the Earth.’ (Genesis 1:28) Well, he has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in women towards man, and in man towards women and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes” (John Taylor, Gospel Kingdom, 61).

There are questions one would probably ask, such as: Is satisfaction reached the same way for both men and women? How often should a couple be together? What is appropriate or not appropriate in terms of sexual expression? And so on (Brotherson). Obviously it is difficult to answer these delicate questions, as each relationship is different and each married couple will find they have their own way of expressing intimate love for one another.

It is perfectly okay to ask questions, do not be afraid to ask, there are wonderful Latter-day Saint books out there with excellent answers. Do not be shy about picking them up, you might just find the answer you are looking for. Although it has been said that marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy (Brotherson).

When I joined the LDS church, I had many questions as to what was and was not appropriate behind the bedroom door. I wanted to ensure that I was living the principles and covenants I had made when I was baptized. Unfortunately I was not getting the correct answers from member friends and I was very confused. Lucky for me, I found the right answers by asking Heavenly Father for answers. It is okay to pray about this, He is not so cruel as to leave you on your own with this dilemma. As President Kimball stated:

Let’s talk about an area that is usually off limits, or rarely talked about, as Latter-day Saints and sometimes even for non-members as well. This is the dialogue about the sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife. For the most part what we listen to is what Satan tempts us to do and what we are taught by the Church not to do (Brotherson). I am not saying this is wrong, what I am saying is that we also need not be ignorant about intimacy in our marriages. Elder Richard G. Scott has said: 

“When we were created, Father in Heaven put in our body the capacity to stir powerful emotions. Within the covenant of marriage, when properly used in ways acceptable to both and to the Lord, those emotions open the doors for children to come to earth. Such sacred expressions of love are an essential part of the covenant of marriage. Within marriage…those emotions can either be used to allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful, appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife. There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain you feelings. There are times when you need to allow their full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage” (Scott).

President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the First Presidency, wrote the following about sexual intimacy in his book You and Your Marriage:

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose” (Brotherson).

Why is this such a big deal to me? Because I know so many young men and women who are members and non-members alike that have wonderful values. They are saving themselves for their wedding night, yet they wake up on their honeymoon morning and wonder if what they did the night before was okay. They wonder if they have committed an unnatural act, or some sin against Heavenly Father, it is important for them to know that sexual intimacy with their spouse is okay as long as it is not domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled (Hunter).

One thing I can say is this, do not be afraid to talk to each other about your feelings in the bedroom, sexual intimacy is not something to shy away from. Do not be embarrassed to bring up the subject with your spouse. If you can talk to your best friend (who should be your spouse) about anything, then this is anything! If there is an issue, if something is not going right, if you are feeling neglected, talk to your spouse about it. The worst thing in the world is to let it go, because then it will just fester, and when something festers then it becomes a blister. Eventually that blister will pop, and things get nasty.

Sex is not something to use as a weapon in an argument, so if you are having issues in the bedroom, then you are prone to throw it at your spouse in the heat of things. Sexual fulfillment flourishes in an atmosphere of warmth and positive expressions toward each other, while such fulfillment suffers when spouses are cool or emotionally disconnected from each other due to anger or apathy (Brotherson). The best thing to do is to keep the conversation open, remember my earlier blogs about being turning toward each other. This is the perfect time to do just that.

Remember that sexual intimacy in a marriage is a sacred and beautiful experience between you and your spouse. This is something given as a gift from our Heavenly Father to not only allow us to have the blessings of families, but also to be close to one another as loving couples. President Kimball has observed:

“The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’” (Quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974, p. 7.)

Although the scriptures do not specifically say the word sex when referring to the act, it is described in the scriptures with the words know or knew. This idea of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” connotes a deeply satisfying aspect of married love (Barlow). I truly believe that the emotional relationship I have been talking about in my past posts and the sexual intimacy go hand in hand. The oneness of a relationship, there is not “I” as I have said before, in a marriage.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, both men and women are hopeless romantics and are just as affectionate as the other. I know this because I am married to one who enjoys giving me hugs and kisses. We are fulfilling marital intimacy through respect and appreciation for each other.

The love that I share with my husband is one of concern, patience, and tenderness. We have a sensitivity to each other’s feelings and there is no selfishness in our relationship. This is because we allow the spirit to guide our relations and follow the guidelines as given by the Prophets and the Holy Scriptures.

References:

Barlow, B.A. (1986). They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. Ensign https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage. Meridian Magazine.

Hunter, H.W. (1994). Being a Righteous Husband and Father. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1994/11/being-a-righteous-husband-and-father?lang=eng

Kimball, S.W. (1982). The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball.

Scott, R.G. (2000). The Sanctity of Womanhood. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2000/05/the-sanctity-of-womanhood?lang=eng

 The Holy Bible KJV

Charity - The Pure Love

It is obvious that the decision of who you marry is the most important of your life. You must make the right decision with your head and with your heart. In other words, it has to feel right in your heart and make sense in your mind. “This is the spirit of revelation” (see Doctrine & Covenants 8:2–3).

Look back to Valentine’s Day, did you give your sweetheart a little candy kiss that said something like “my girl,” “kiss me,” “she’s cute,” or “I love you?” Was there something specific you were looking for? If you could print your own candy hearts to describe the ideal man or woman, what would you look for (Robbins)? 

If you are wondering where I am going with this idea. I want to you to look at how the Lord loved the Church and apply His behaviors to the loving relationship that should exist between couples. 

Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 13 and Moroni 7 to find out about the meaning of charity and true love:

True love—charity—suffereth long.

Is patient instead of impatient and tolerant of imperfections instead of intolerant.

Is helpful instead of being critical of weaknesses. Charity does not criticize, is not cranky, and does not complain.

True love envieth not.

It is content, frugal, and grateful for blessings; is not covetous, resentful, jealous, or greedy; avoids unnecessary debt; and is a full tithe payer. Charity is not selfish or vain, and it lives within its income.

True love is not puffed up.

Is humble and teachable, does not seek attention, praises others, does not murmur or belittle.

True love doth not behave itself unseemly.

Is courteous, well-mannered, reverent, respectful, and mindful, as well as clean, neat, and considerate of other’s property and feelings; is not crude, indecent, or improper.

True love seeketh not her own.

Is tenderhearted, caring, sharing, sensitive, compassionate, generous, and united; thinks we, not I; listens; seeks to please God; is not demanding, controlling, or manipulative; does not blame; and says, “I’m sorry.”

True love is not easily provoked.

Is forgiving, patient, calm, gentle, and respectful; is a peacemaker who does not get angry, irritable, or vengeful; is not abusive in word or deed; does not swear or quarrel.

True love thinketh no evil.

Is not judgmental but respectful and trusting, pure and obedient; does not think evil of others by gossiping or finding fault; is modest in thought, dress, and speech; is not deceitful, cruel, or dishonest; avoids inappropriate music, pornography, and dirty jokes.

True love rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth.

Has a temple recommend and wants an eternal marriage; stays close to the Spirit through regular scripture study and prayer; is responsible; is not light-minded.

True love beareth all things.

Is bold and patient with affliction and trials (this does not mean that abuse victims should silently bear cruelty or follow a spouse who is disobedient to God); is grateful; does not insult others; is not defensive, irritable, touchy, or grouchy; is not weary in well-doing.

True love believeth all things.

Is cheerful; sees the eternal potential of a spouse; makes the least of the worst and the most of the best; shows by actions that there is a firm belief in eternal families; holds fast to the iron rod; has goals, dreams, a vision, and plans for a happy, successful life together.

True love hopeth all things.

Is an optimist who looks for the best; praises, builds up, and expresses affection.

True love endureth all things.

Doesn’t complain or murmur, is steadfast, accepts responsibility, and is industrious while showing initiative.

True love never faileth.

The Lord is describing a love that deals with our behavior. And behavior isn’t something you fall into or out of. Behavior is something you control and decide. Agency is involved here (Robbins).

This is what marriage is about, when a couple enters into the covenant of marriage, the “I” is gone and the “We” begins. By putting our spouse’s needs before our own, this is where the charity begins, sounds like a strange concept doesn’t it? It really isn’t all that different than giving service to a friend, and isn’t your spouse your best friend, well they should be! This makes for a happier home, happier spouse, and happier children.

Marvin J. Ashton explains, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down” (Goddard 116).

So what does this look like in real life? Well, how do you react when you are blamed for something? Usually with defense, right? Then with a pretty strong emotion, probably a lot of that flooding I’ve talked about before, and we see more faults in our spouse. Can we see the “mote” for the “beam” in our own eye? As Goddard points out, we are in some ways contributing to our own unhappiness.

There is hope, at every critical juncture we can choose compassion. We can choose understanding, patience, and personal growth. We can, as Gottman suggests, “find the glory in our marital story.” We can use our differences to balance each other and to spur growth (119).

I had to smile as I read this quote from Goddard: “Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other” (119). This may be true in some cases, but I beg to differ in mine. I happen to be blessed with a spouse who is extraordinary, he is one of those “emotionally intelligent” people who blesses people with his charity and love. Thus, I choose to see my spouse in a different way than most people.

As Wendy Watson observed, “the best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other. … An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend” (126).

One thing Dr. John M. Gottman suggests you do for an entire week is to offer your spouse at least one genuine, heartfelt praise each day (Gottman 283). Can you imagine the effects this would have on your relationship?! The charity your spouse would feel from you, the love that would build, even if you already have a strong relationship it would be even stronger. Do this with other family members as well, this will strengthen your whole household, and bring the spirit of Christ’s love even stronger into your home.

References:

Holy Bible KJV

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Robbins, L.G., (2003). Finding your sweetheart. Ensign, https://www.lds.org/new-era/2003/09/finding-your-sweetheart?lang=eng

The Book of Mormon

Is Your Marriage Gridlocked or Consecrated?

I often wonder what a couple is thinking when they decide to get married. Are they thinking “Oh, this is going to be a piece of cake, we’ll get married, everything will be grand.” Does that couple realize that getting married is a huge sacrifice? Each participant in the relationship is giving up something to enter into the covenant of marriage. I am not saying this to be negative, I am saying this to let each and every couple who reads this blog know that marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration (Goddard 103). Now you might be saying “What is she talking about?!”

Let me explain, to consecrate is to give all you have as a couple to each other and the family. When a man and woman make marriage covenants in the holy temple, they begin a new, eternal family unit with all of the blessings promised to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Such a union is dedicated to the sacred purposes of the Lord – “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39) (Smith).

As God would have it, our whole soul offerings are likely to bless our partners even as they refine us (Goddard 104). I have never asked my husband to step in front of a speeding car for me, although that would be the ultimate sacrifice, he does make small sacrifices each day in his own way. Every spouse makes these sacrifices, the way they roll the toothpaste and you squeeze it from the middle, fold the towels lengthwise instead of quarterly, they load the dishwasher in a way which you would rather they not... I’m sure you get the picture.

Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is much more than “staying together for the kids” (105). It is knowing the differences between your preference of having a meal with your extended family and the principle of having daily prayer with your spouse and family. Being able to resolve these types of conflicts will save heartache in the future.

Dr. John M. Gottman has said that marital conflicts really fall into one of two categories: either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives in some form or another (Gottman 137). The idea is to be able to identify which type of conflict you are dealing with and resolve it before you come to the point of no return. Sounds easy enough right – identify and define your various disagreements and you’ll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending upon which of the two types of conflicts you are having (137).

It is not that easy. Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon: 

When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (139). 

A lot of marriages do not come with the extra baggage that Dr. Wile is talking about, even my marriage came with some unsolvable problems.

In unstable marriages the issues that I came into our marriage with would have gridlocked our marriage. When the marriage is unstable, the couple get gridlocked over an issue where they have the same conversation about it over and over again. They just spin their wheels, resolving nothing (139). There are a couple of ways in which Dr. Gottman suggests  you check to see if you are gridlocked over a perpetual problem or are coping well with it, here are a few signs to check:

• The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
• You keep talking about it but make no headway.
• You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge.
• Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
• You become even more “unbudgeable” over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations
• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise.
• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.

If some of these sound even remotely familiar, be comforted that there is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched (141). If you are facing some of these problems and feel like they sound pretty minor and solvable, believe me they can cause pain for some couples if not resolved.

In my past blogs I have talked about ways to resolve and cope with some of these problems. If couples do not use some of these techniques, then there may be some major tension in the relationship. When I talked about “emotionally intelligent” husbands, it goes both ways. The wife needs to be just as “emotionally intelligent” as well. Gottard refers to these couples as emotionally intelligent couples, they know how to handle conflict resolution right. They do this by:

1. Approaching conflict with a soft start-up rather than harsh.
2. Learning effective repair attempts.
3. Monitoring their physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding emotions.
4. Learning how to compromise.
5. Learning how become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

(     By following this advice, you are likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with your marital happiness (142). Recognizing the difference between the unsolvable and perpetual may not be easy. If the problem seems to be less painful, or intense than it is more than likely a solvable problem. On the other hand, if the problem is one that is really tearing at your relationship and the both of you are making the other the villain, than the problem is probably perpetual (143).

Dr. Gottman talks about respect in a relationship:

It stands to reason that when a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise (160).

This is very true in my opinion, as a couple my husband and I have respected one another’s point of view during our marriage. This has made a world of difference in how we have raised our children, run our household, made financial decisions, and any other major life decisions. When differences do arise, we sit down with each other and work through them, either by talking or laughing. Because the two of cannot argue for longer than about ten minutes before we make a face or a silly remark at each other.

Gottman suggests putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. He says by putting yourself in his or her shoes while listening intently, and then to communicate, with empathy, that you see the dilemma from his or her perspective. Using the steps I mentioned above – plus this method – we can resolve conflict in our marriages. Most of these steps take very little training because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using them in our most intimate relationship. Basically it all comes down to having good manners (161).

Utilizing the steps I just discussed, having good manners, and bringing sacrifice back into the conversation will improve a relationship. When we face reality, no one person in this world is going to meet all of our needs completely. Although I have come pretty close to having that person in my life, neither one of us is perfect. Brother Kent Brooks of the BYU faculty of Church History and Doctrine observed:

Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners (Goddard 106).

The idea is, how much are you willing to go through for your spouse – I’m not asking you to stand in the middle of a busy street for them. What I am asking is: will you change that smelly diaper, will you scoop the cat box, will you pick up after the dog in the back yard, will you put your clothes in the hamper, will you roll the toothpaste from the end? Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories (109).

Marriage is not easy, but it does not have to be difficult either. There will be grumblings and murmurings, but communicate with one another. Look into one another’s eyes, express love and gratitude for one another, hug each other daily. I cannot emphasize the importance of these things enough. Not only do these things with your spouse, but do these with your children as well. You will build a long, happy, loving and trusting relationship in your home. 

References:

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Smith, B. B., (1981), A Safe Place for Marriages and Families, Ensign, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1981/10/a-safe-place-for-marriages-and-families?lang=eng

Marriage Has No Room For Pride

In my last blog post I spoke of Adam and Eve and their eternal marriage. Heavenly Father did not leave their marriage as the final say, he echoed the message in this day by saying, “It is lawful that [man] should have one wife, and they twain shall be one flesh, and all this that the earth might answer the end of its creation.” (Doctrine & Covenants 49:16; see also Gen. 2:24).

Marriage is about putting the relationship in the forefront, and yourself secondary. This does not mean that our individual needs and interests are forgotten. This means that we learn to work as a team in marriage, of course to do this, we have to be able to humble ourselves and look at our flaws.

I know, this is a difficult thing to do. Especially in a world where we are taught that we are supposed to be perfect. As H. Wallace Goddard commented, today’s culture teaches a very different lesson from traditional wisdom: We now hear that it is noble and worthy to focus on our own needs (Goddard 70). Roy Baumeister, a contemporary social psychologist, has observed:

Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves; rather, it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself, and so forth. 

Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified – perhaps even obligated – to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one. According to today’s new values, “a kind of selfishness is essential to love” (70).

We need to be careful when it comes to selfishness, it does not belong in a marriage. President Ezra Taft Benson counseled, selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters – self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking (Benson).

The world teaches when you are married you things like “Defend yourself,” “You don’t have to put up with that,” and “Backing down is a sign of weakness.” When in truth, being a Christlike example and turning the other cheek is the way to live. This is not bowing down to your spouse, and your spouse is not bowing down to you either.

What I mean is learning about ourselves and each other in the marriage, and sometimes it is not very pleasant. Facing these challenges is exactly what is needed to grow and become more Christlike, what do we do when we face each other during conflict? Do we turn away from each other or do we turn toward each other?

If we go by the “world” we will turn away, that makes logical sense, right? After all, there is no foundation of faith, so we may as well look after number one. This is where Satan wins.  During the stress of marriage and parenthood our faults maybe begin to be show, we might be tempted to strike out and blame others – like our spouse or children – for these issues. Satan will laugh us into conflict and misunderstanding – unless we yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19).

You might be asking yourself what it means to “put off the natural man” (Goddard 71). Basically it means to be humble. No, I am not saying you need to humble yourself to your spouse and always do what they say. But between the two of you, work together to keep respect, appreciation, and love for each other. There are enough pressures in the outside world without bringing them into your home.

If there is a time when problems arise and selfishness comes into play, think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them (See D&C 58:43) (Benson).

With humility comes repentance. Humility opens us up to the experience of others and to the truth of Heaven. We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner’s perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective (Goddard 71).

During this time we have to realize if we have invited this truth into our hearts, which we see not only are we probably annoyed with our spouse, we have probably annoyed our spouse as well. We can either leave things as they are, or we can repent and ask for forgiveness.

A good motto kept in our marriage is to “forgive and move on.” This sentiment is echoed in a talk given by Richard B. Miller at BYU in 2010, he gave this advice: 

If you are still upset after all of these months because your spouse didn’t take you to your favorite restaurant on your birthday, forget it. If your spouse continually doesn’t load the dishwasher correctly despite your best instructional techniques, leave it alone and move on. If your spouse spent the entire evening at his or her mission reunion speaking a language that you don’t understand, get over it. 

As President Packer said, “We call that forgiveness.” Our marital relationship is too important for us to clutter our minds and hearts with resentment that is created by dwelling on the faults and weaknesses of our spouse. We need to forgive and move on (Miller).

Remember, no one is perfect. We are put on this earth to learn and grow. We are teaching one another, we are teaching our children. Dr. John M. Gottman comments that wives complain men still aren’t doing their fair share of domestic chores and child care (Gottman 125). This makes me wonder how many of these wives yield control to their spouses, or better yet, how many of the spouses actually accept the influence of their wives and step in to help.

Gottman talks about husbands who are “emotionally intelligent,” describing them as having figured out how to keep that detailed map I blogged about before, keeping the admiration and fondness for her, and he communicates it by turning toward her in his daily actions. This not only benefits the spouse, but the children as well. Because he is so connected to his wife, she will come to him not only in troubled times, but in good times, and so will his children (124-125).

Why do I add this little tidbit? Because it reminds me of my own marriage and family. This is what I hope for all marriages. To have a marriage where you can turn to your spouse and know you can trust that person with your deepest, darkest secrets. To know that your children can feel comfortable calling either one of you on the telephone from anywhere in the world for advice. That person is your best friend and will be with you for eternity.

References:

Benson, E.T., (1989). Beware of pride. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Book of Mormon

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

KJV Bible

Miller, R.B., (2011). Repentance and forgiveness in marriage. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/09/repentance-and-forgiveness-in-marriage?lang=eng