Turn Toward An Eternal Bond

We are taught an eternal perspective to marriage, in this I truly believe that Heavenly Father did not intend the husband-wife relationship to last only for this life. Adam and Eve were married by Heavenly Father before the Fall, and their actions in the garden did not invalidate their holy marriage. Death did not separate them, as they were reunited in the spirit world. Exaltation in the modern days is only available to husbands and wives, a man and a woman who love each other dearly and are worthy, in the Holy Temple. As I have said before, being married in the Holy Temple enters a couple into “a new and everlasting covenant of marriage” (Doctrine & Covenants 131-4).

With such a wonderful start to marriages, one would think that everything would be of the utmost perfection. Elder Robert D. Hales reminded us:

“An eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities. The family relationships we have here on this earth are important, but they are much more important for their effect on our families for generations in mortality and throughout all eternity” (Hales).

President Ezra Taft Benson taught us that “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives…We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives” (Benson). What does this mean? It means what I have said previously, marriage is made up of little thorns that wheedle their way under a couple’s skin and cause irritation. You might find yourself grumbling about the way the toothpaste tube is used, the toilet paper roll is put on (does it really matter which way the paper faces?!), how your spouse tucks in their shirt, or any other miniscule irritation. Really, I am sure I can go on and on, but you have the picture by now. Once you get these things into your head, they transform from being small things into these enormous monstrosities that block out the wonderful person you married. These are the nitpicky things I referred to in my last blog post. 

Do not fret, these things can be overcome, and believe it or not, your significant other has probably done the same thing to you! Why does this happen, because Satan has seen what a wonderful relationship you have and has decided to dig a wedge in there. By keeping an eternal perspective on your marriage at all times, you can keep the adversary out and Heavenly Father in. I know, it is not all roses, and there will always be trials. Trials are for growth, they are not always bad, remember that.

So, back to the eternal perspective. H. Wallace Goddard has suggested that instead of judging our partner, we invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity (Goddard 59-60). I find this to be true, as we turn toward our spouses with love and kindness, they too will do the same with us. Which brings me to the next topic, turning toward your spouse.

When we have issues as described above, our tendency is to turn away, walk away, or get defensive. Do not tell me that you have not done it, as I know I have at one time or another, no one is perfect. We’re not s’posed to be perfect! Okay, I have your attention again. Look here, Dr. John Gottman spends hours upon hours studying archives filled with endlessly dull scenes in which, for example, the husband looks out the picture window and says, “Wow, look at that boat,” and the wife peers over magazine and says, “Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” and the husband grunts (Gottman 87).

Why does he do this? Because he is looking for something in particular, he knows after years of study, that couples who engage in lots of interaction tend to remain happy. What is happening in that little back and forth over the newspaper and picture window is the couple is connecting – they are turning toward each other (87).

Oh, I know, how romantic, right? It is not always like it is in the movies, for that I am thankful. Because after nearly twenty-five years, my relationship with my husband has never been anything near a Hollywood movie scene. This is okay, because we are happily married and the best friends. In our marriage we make what Gottman calls “bids” for attention – now mind you I did not know this is what they were called and that we were doing it – in marriage, couples are always making “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. These can be as minor ask asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill (88).

The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, and passion. Now this may sound crazy, but Gottman even says that romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, “Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically (88). But I am telling you, it is not crazy, because this is exactly what my husband and I do and have done.

Every time a couple turns toward one another, they are building up trust with each other. When the day comes that an issue arises, the couple is less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during those hard times (89). But marriage isn’t just about raising kids and splitting chores… (261).

Which, I can definitely attest! There is so much more to marriage, it is about making life with each other, a special bond which no one else understands. Gottman could have been talking about my marriage when he said this “Part of marriage’s culture, the story they tell themselves, about themselves, is what a great team they make, how feisty they are, how they thumbed their noses at all the naysayers and succeeded against the odds” (261). Did this mean that my husband shared the same dream? No, it just means that we found ways to turn toward each other, or as Gottman puts it to “mesh” (261).

We realized that even though our backgrounds growing up were quite different, we still held similar beliefs in raising children. This helped us to go forward and grow as a couple and as a family. The more shared meaning you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be. Along the way you’ll also be strengthening your marital friendship. This in turn will make it even easier to cope with any conflicts that crop up (263).

Marriages are strengthened when we incorporate the teachings and principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives and recognize that His mission is essential to our having an eternal companionship. Emotional and physical contact between husband and wife enriches that love, as a couple keeps the covenants and ordinances they have made in the Holy Temple before God, their relationship will continue through eternity.

References:

Benson, Ezra T. “The Great Commandment – Love the Lord,” Ensign, May 1988, online, https://www.lds.org/ensign/1988/05/the-great-commandment-love-the-lord?lang=eng

Doctrine & Covenants

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Hales, Robert D. “The Eternal Family,” Ensign, November 1996, p. 65

Mapping Your Marriage

http://www.theamateurwriter.com/2011/10/marriage.html

Do you realize that your marriage is a living organism? Take a step back and look at the effort it takes to keep a happy relationship intact. In past blogs I have talked about being best friends with your partner and the importance of getting to know each other. Getting to know one another does not stop when you marry. People are still growing and evolving throughout life. Make sure that as each of you grow, ensure that you are aware of the joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses that are happening to the other.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/build-love-maps/

Love Maps

When emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world, Dr. Paul Gottman refers to this as a love map. The couple remembers the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change (Gottman 54). Having this type of knowledge strengthens a marriage. There will be times, as mentioned before, when feelings will be hurt or something will seem a bit out of whack. The only way to get to the bottom of the issue is to know our spouse. 

Part of getting to the issue is listening to our spouse. We must open our ears and our hearts, not just pay lip service. How many times do we find ourselves just saying, “Uh huh,” when our spouse is earnestly spilling their day out to us? If we listen carefully and learn humbly about our partners’ points of view, we will be enlarged and enriched (Goddard 43). When asking our partner about their day, be ready to listen, and really absorb what they are saying. This may be the most important clue as to how they are growing spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

Using this knowledge goes perfectly into the idea of Gottman’s love map. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. Surprisingly, Gottman points out that a major source of marital dissatisfaction and divorce is having a child (Gottman 54). This was news to me, as I had always thought that adding a special little spirit was a wonderful decision, evidently this is not always the case.

Some marriages do not thrive so well when it comes to adding a bundle of joy to the mix. This is because these couples are not acutely aware of each other in the first place, their love map is not in place and they “lost their way”. If a couple keeps up to date with each other and are already aware of what each other is feeling and thinking, they will not be thrown off course (55). Of course, having a child is just one example, there are many other events in life which can throw a couple off course. Ensuring that you know each other is the major key in keeping on a steady course to eternal happiness.

Remember to keep updating your love map on a regular basis. The more you know about each other’s inner world, the more profound and rewarding your relationship will be (62). I have spent the past twenty-four plus years getting to know my husband, every day I learn something new about him. I am blessed for this opportunity, we are growing and learning spiritually and emotionally together – our love map. Interestingly, we did not even know we were following this guideline all along.

Happily married couples don’t “just” know each other. They build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways. For starters, they use their love maps to express not only their understanding of each other but their fondness and admiration as well (66).

Expressions of Love

Over the years my husband and I have never held back when it came to expressing our feelings for one another. We have always told each other “I love you” or “You look handsome” or “You look gorgeous,” well you get the picture. Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting relationship according to Dr. Gottman (69).  Sometimes a partner may have some issues that really drive us nuts, nobody is perfect, we are not meant to be. Interestingly, this has been addressed by the Prophets and Apostles, as noted in this quote from Elder Joe J. Christensen:

“Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become. “‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive” (Christensen 19).

When a relationship comes to the point where there is constant nagging, take a step back and think about what brought the two of you together. Not what began the argument, but think about your wedding or when you met, now what were you fighting about again?! When my husband and I argue, the arguments rarely last more than a half hour at the most. We usually end up making faces at each other, giggling, or saying something silly to lighten the mood. The issue is resolved and the day moves on. Never go to bed angry, always kiss each other goodnight. I like what Gordon B. Hinckley had to say about marriage:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another” (Hinckley 24).

Being positive is essential in a good relationship, I am a genuinely positive person for many reasons, which I will not delve into I have had to be. Having this positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit. Having a reserve of good feelings will prevent a cataclysm of thoughts about separation and divorce each time an argument arises (Gottman 71).

Heavenly Father promises, “Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again” (Luke 6:38).

One last thought I’d like to leave with this post is to cherish your spouse. Cherishing is a habit of mind in which, when you are separated during the course of the day, you maximize thoughts of your partner’s positive qualities and minimize thoughts of negative ones (78). By doing this you will have the opportunity to realize the worth of your spouse, and when you reunite at the end of the day, you will appreciate those blessings.

References:

Christensen, J.J., Marriage and Family Relations Participant’s Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Hinckley, G. B., Marriage and Family Relations Participant’s Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

The Holy Bible, (1979). Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Salt Lake City, UT.

Eternal Friendship

You know when you meet someone and you just know that is THE one person you will be with forever? Yeah, me too. Although I don’t think he knew it. My two year old did though, she was already calling him “daddy” before he was ready for that. I had to laugh the first time he came back from a month long training mission (he was in the Army) and she said “DADDY!” His response, “No, just John!” and gave her a big hug. She knew better, and in his heart, so did he. Twenty-four years later I am still married to my best friend.

How can this be done? Keep a positive, happy, relationship. When a couple does have arguments, do not let them last long and talk them out. As Dr. John Gottman said “Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day to day lives they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs… This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of romance, play fun, adventure and learning together that are at the heart of any long-lasting love affair”(4).

Gottman also said that “at the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” (21). Couples who take the time to get to know each other before marriage tend to stay together. I am not talking intimately, I am talking about their likes and their dislikes. What movies they like, what foods do they eat, do they like cats or dogs. Are they allergic to cats or dogs?! Is there a certain trait that really bugs you that you did not realize they had before? These are things you need to know BEFORE you marry. If they bother you now, will you be able to live with them for eternity? Gottman uses an example of a couple hosting a party: 

Nathaniel calls, “Where are the napkins?” and Olivia yells back edgily, “They’re in the cupboard?” Because their marriage is founded on a firm friendship, he shrugs off her tone of voice and focuses instead on the information Olivia has given him – the napkins are in the cupboard (22). 

The point here is because their friendship is so strong, Nathaniel knows that Olivia gets a little stressed when she feels crunched on time. This is what marriage is all about, knowing how your partner feels and not over reacting when they get a little snippy.

I am not saying that marriage is always sunshine and roses. H. Wallace Goddard put it bluntly when he said “God did not design marriage as a retirement village where we sunbathe, work the buffet, and play golf” (16). It takes the help of the gospel to keep a good marriage in proper order. Knowing that “Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan” (Proclamation) will help to maintain the couple on the right course. We need to remember that if we make a mistake, have a squabble, spill a little milk, there is forgiveness to be had. Do not be too quick to judge. As H. Wallace Goddard reminds us, “How vital mercy is in family life! We forgive our parents of their flaws and limited knowledge. We forgive our partners for being human. We forgive our children for being children grace and mercy are at the heart of love family life” (32).

I will leave you with this last reminder from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, “True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us. We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it” (Wirthlin).

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

The First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles (1995) The Family: a proclamation to the world, retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Wirthlin, J.B., (2007). The great commandment. Ensign, retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng

Is Your Marriage A Contract Or A Covenant?

Eternal marriage is central to Heavenly Father’s great plan of happiness. It allows families to find true joy in this life and to continue and progress throughout eternity. In his first address to the general Church membership as President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “To my beloved wife of fifty-eight years later this month, I express appreciation. … How grateful I am for this precious woman who has walked at my side through sunshine and storm. We do not stand as tall as we once did. But there has been no shrinkage in our love one for another.”

Many people believe that marriage and family life are only mortal experiences, based upon contractual marriages. But as members of the Church, we know that a worthy couple can enter the temple and, through a sacred priesthood ordinance, be sealed together as husband and wife for eternity. When a man and woman are married in this way, an eternal family begins, based upon covenant marriages.

Bruce C. Hafen explained the difference between contractual and covenant marriage this way, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

A contractual marriage is a union between a man and a woman performed in a secular place. As Bruce C. Hafen said, “Even secular marriage was historically a three-party covenant among a man, a woman, and the state.”

A covenant marriage is between a man and a woman, and Heavenly Father performed in the Lord’s Temple. When we enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage, the union becomes far more than a civil contract. The ordinances in the temple draw us heavenward as God becomes a partner to our covenants. These ordinances can help us gain an eternal perspective of our marriage and be more committed to each other and to God.

In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles proclaim “that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” This keynote sentence of the proclamation teaches us much about the doctrinal significance of marriage and emphasizes the primacy of marriage and family in the Father’s plan. Righteous marriage is a commandment and an essential step in the process of creating a loving family relationship that can be perpetuated beyond the grave.

Eternal marriage is not merely a temporary legal contract that can be terminated at any time for almost any reason. Rather, it is a sacred covenant with God that can be binding in time and throughout all eternity. Faithfulness and fidelity in marriage must not simply be attractive words spoken in sermons; rather, they should be principles evident in our own covenant marriage relationships.

A favorite quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley, “How sweet is the assurance, how comforting is the peace that come from the knowledge that if we marry right and live right, our relationship will continue…”

References:

Bednar, D.A. (2006, June) Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan.p1?lang=eng

Hafen, B.C. (1996, October) Covenant Marriage. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

Hinckley, G.B. (2003, July) The Marriage That Endures. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2003/07/the-marriage-that-endures?lang=eng

Hinckley, G.B. (1995, May) This Is the Work of the Master. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1995/05/this-is-the-work-of-the-master?lang=eng

Marriage A Re-Definition?!

Since the dawn of time it has been man and woman together. Adam and Eve were commanded to leave the Garden of Eden, to go forth and “be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” (Gen 1:28) This was the first marriage upon the earth as we know it. Man and woman, together to have children and form the first family. “For those millennia, across all those civilizations, “marriage” referred to only one relationship: the union of a man and a woman.” (Roberts, C.J. Dissenting, pg 4) This is how families are created, by a man and a woman, legally and lawfully wedded… preferably in the Lord’s temple.

That is until a few years ago, when same-sex partners felt that they should be married as well. This turned the institution of marriage upside down. When looking at the courts history, this has been in the system since 1971, when the first same-sex couple sued to be allowed to marry in the state of Minnesota. In all actuality, this is not a new issue, this has been building for over forty years. These couples are seeking to ratify their love for each other and to get the rights they need for insurance coverage, medical needs, custody rights, etc. While I do not wish to deny them this right, I cannot support a same-sex “traditional marriage.” A traditional marriage, in the eyes of God is between a man and a woman, not between parties of the same-sex.

The First Presidency has said, “In view of the close links that have long existed between marriage, procreation, gender, and parenting, same-sex marriage cannot be regarded simply as the granting of a new “right.” It is a far-reaching redefinition of the very nature of marriage itself. It marks a fundamental change in the institution of marriage in ways that are contrary to God’s purposes for His children and detrimental to the long-term interests of society.” (Divine Institution of Marriage)

Although I do not wish to see the institution of marriage be turned upside down, I do wish for these couples to have the same rights which a traditional couple receives. I perceive that there are things that are not going to change in this world, these couples will continue to cohabitate, bring children into their homes, and need the same consideration a traditional couple needs.

I am not saying that I condone their relationships, but I do not want to discriminate against them as well. I am thankful for the guidance of the First Presidency in this, “Many advocates of same-sex marriage argue that traditional standards of sexual morality have changed and that “tolerance” requires that these new standards be recognized and codified in law. If tolerance is defined as showing kindness for others and respect for differing viewpoints, it is an important value in all democratic societies. But as Elder Dallin H. Oaks has observed, ‘Tolerance does not require abandoning one’s standards or one’s opinions on political or public policy choices. Tolerance is a way of reacting to diversity, not a command to insulate it from examination.’” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Weightier Matters,” Ensign, Jan. 2001, 17)

The recent decision handed down from the Supreme Court Justices regarding same-sex marriages was unexpected. The idea that the Justices would put into play a law that would designate how each State would marry their constituents amazed me. As the dissent by Justice Roberts affirms, “It is instead about whether, in our democratic republic, that decision should rest with the people acting through their elected representatives, or with five lawyers who happen to hold commissions authorizing them to resolve legal disputes according to law. The Constitution leaves no doubt about the answer.” (Roberts, C.J. Dissenting, pg 3) I will respect this law, because not only is it the “law of the land,” but this is how I was raised by my parents.

This is what Elder Dallin H. Oaks had to say when addressing the Second Annual Sacramento Court/Clergy Conference in Sacramento, California, on October 20, 2015, “I say to my fellow believers that we should not assert the free exercise of religion to override every law and government action that could possibly be interpreted to infringe on institutional or personal religious freedom. As I have often said, the free exercise of religion obviously involves both the right to choose religious beliefs and affiliations and the right to exercise or practice those beliefs. But in a nation with citizens of many different religious beliefs, the right of some to act upon their religious principles must be circumscribed by the government’s responsibility to protect the health and safety of all. Otherwise, for example, the government could not protect its citizens’ person or property from neighbors whose intentions include taking human life or stealing in circumstances purportedly rationalized by their religious beliefs.”(Divine)

Again, from the First Presidency, “The Church’s affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman “neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.”Church members are to treat all people with love and humanity. They may express genuine love and kindness toward a gay or lesbian family member, friend, or other person without condoning any redefinition of marriage.”(Divine)

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, along with many other churches, organizations, and individuals, will continue to defend the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, because it is a compelling moral issue of profound importance to our religion and to the future of society.”

I would like to add the final words from the Proclamation to the Family and give my testimony of its truth. “We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

References

"Church Responds to Same-Sex Marriage Votes." www.mormonnewsroom.org. 2008. Web. <http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-responds-to-same-sex-marriage-votes>.

ROBERTS, C. J., dissenting, Obergefell vs. Hodges (6/26/2015), 576 U.S.

The First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles. "The Divine Institution of Marriage." 2008. Web. < http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage>.

The First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles (Sept. 23, 1995) The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Web. <https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng>.

Photo courtesy of LDS media
https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/garden-of-eden-clawson-art-37727?lang=eng

The Importance of a Stable Marriage

Marriage is on a slippery slope in America, and it needs some firming up. A report titled “The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012” discusses the dilemma of marriage and divorce in America. There is an obsession in society with celebrity marriages and overspending on weddings, according to the report the wedding industry generates an estimated $50 billion annually. The median age for first marriages is rising, “now 27 for women and 29 for men.” 

The report states this is due to more couples living together before marriage and a rise in the number of children born outside of wedlock. The lack of attention this trend is receiving is astounding. The report defines “Middle America” as “the nearly 60 percent of Americans aged 25 to 60 who have a high school but not a four-year college degree” and states that this portion of America is “rapidly slipping away.” Why is this happening? Because this portion of America is still looking for that stable marriage their parents had, but are unable to find the stability. This is the part of America that no one is talking about, the part that is slipping through the cracks. As the report states, the politicians are focused on the “newly visible gay and lesbian couples” and has “devoted scant attention to the rapid disappearance of marriage in Middle America.” Just as in the 2012 presidential elections, family structure and child well-being have been seldom, if at all mentioned during these current presidential debates.

To be married, one makes a promise to love and cherish their spouse. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it is important to preserve the sanctity of marriage. It is understood that there are extreme reasons for divorce, but one would hope that is not the case. I was a divorcee myself, I did not plan on divorcing my first husband, but to stay would have been wrong for many reasons. Elder Dallin H. Oaks stated, “There are many good Church members who have been divorced…We know that many of you are innocent victims…” The Proclamation to the Family states, “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” This is the basis of a study done by Paul R. Amato which was published in 2005 called “The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation.”

In the study it was found that single parenting puts children at risk economically, socially, mentally, and a higher exposure to stress. Amato used a study done in 1995 showing the effects of adolescents whether they had repeated a grade, been suspended from school, engaged in delinquent behavior, engaged in a violent altercation, received counseling or therapy for an emotional problem, smoked cigarettes regularly during the last month, thought about suicide, or attempted suicide. The responses were from two sets of teens, one were from two parent homes, the other single parent homes. The results were astonishing:

Adolescents living with single parents consistently report encountering more problems than those living with continuously married parents. Thirty percent of the former reported that they had repeated a grade, as against 19 percent of the latter. Similarly, 40 percent of children living with single parents reported having been suspended from school, compared with 21 percent of children living with continuously married parents. Children in stable, two-parent families also were less likely to have engaged in delinquency or violence, seen a therapist for an emotional problem, smoked during the previous month, or thought about or attempted suicide. These findings are consistent with research demonstrating that children living with continuously married parents report fewer problems than do other children. The increase in risk associated with living without both parents ranged from about 23 percent (for being involved in a violent altercation) to 127 percent (for receiving emotional therapy).

What Amato found in his study is “compared with other children, those who grow up in stable, two-parent families have a higher standard of living, receive more effective parenting, experience more cooperative co-parenting, are emotionally closer to both parents (especially fathers), and are subjected to fewer stressful events and circumstances.”

Elder Dallin H. Oaks testifies to us, “…the sweetness of the marriage and family life that the family proclamation describes as founded upon a husband and wife’s “solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children” and “upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” Marriage in America is still valued by many and must remain as such.

Photo courtesy of LDS media
https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/forever-and-always-1152809?lang=eng

"Marriage is a divine institution..."

"The sacred bonds of marriage invite unity, fidelity, respect, and mutual support."
-Elder L. Tom Perry