Marriage Has No Room For Pride

In my last blog post I spoke of Adam and Eve and their eternal marriage. Heavenly Father did not leave their marriage as the final say, he echoed the message in this day by saying, “It is lawful that [man] should have one wife, and they twain shall be one flesh, and all this that the earth might answer the end of its creation.” (Doctrine & Covenants 49:16; see also Gen. 2:24).

Marriage is about putting the relationship in the forefront, and yourself secondary. This does not mean that our individual needs and interests are forgotten. This means that we learn to work as a team in marriage, of course to do this, we have to be able to humble ourselves and look at our flaws.

I know, this is a difficult thing to do. Especially in a world where we are taught that we are supposed to be perfect. As H. Wallace Goddard commented, today’s culture teaches a very different lesson from traditional wisdom: We now hear that it is noble and worthy to focus on our own needs (Goddard 70). Roy Baumeister, a contemporary social psychologist, has observed:

Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves; rather, it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself, and so forth. 

Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified – perhaps even obligated – to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one. According to today’s new values, “a kind of selfishness is essential to love” (70).

We need to be careful when it comes to selfishness, it does not belong in a marriage. President Ezra Taft Benson counseled, selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters – self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking (Benson).

The world teaches when you are married you things like “Defend yourself,” “You don’t have to put up with that,” and “Backing down is a sign of weakness.” When in truth, being a Christlike example and turning the other cheek is the way to live. This is not bowing down to your spouse, and your spouse is not bowing down to you either.

What I mean is learning about ourselves and each other in the marriage, and sometimes it is not very pleasant. Facing these challenges is exactly what is needed to grow and become more Christlike, what do we do when we face each other during conflict? Do we turn away from each other or do we turn toward each other?

If we go by the “world” we will turn away, that makes logical sense, right? After all, there is no foundation of faith, so we may as well look after number one. This is where Satan wins.  During the stress of marriage and parenthood our faults maybe begin to be show, we might be tempted to strike out and blame others – like our spouse or children – for these issues. Satan will laugh us into conflict and misunderstanding – unless we yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19).

You might be asking yourself what it means to “put off the natural man” (Goddard 71). Basically it means to be humble. No, I am not saying you need to humble yourself to your spouse and always do what they say. But between the two of you, work together to keep respect, appreciation, and love for each other. There are enough pressures in the outside world without bringing them into your home.

If there is a time when problems arise and selfishness comes into play, think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them (See D&C 58:43) (Benson).

With humility comes repentance. Humility opens us up to the experience of others and to the truth of Heaven. We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner’s perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective (Goddard 71).

During this time we have to realize if we have invited this truth into our hearts, which we see not only are we probably annoyed with our spouse, we have probably annoyed our spouse as well. We can either leave things as they are, or we can repent and ask for forgiveness.

A good motto kept in our marriage is to “forgive and move on.” This sentiment is echoed in a talk given by Richard B. Miller at BYU in 2010, he gave this advice: 

If you are still upset after all of these months because your spouse didn’t take you to your favorite restaurant on your birthday, forget it. If your spouse continually doesn’t load the dishwasher correctly despite your best instructional techniques, leave it alone and move on. If your spouse spent the entire evening at his or her mission reunion speaking a language that you don’t understand, get over it. 

As President Packer said, “We call that forgiveness.” Our marital relationship is too important for us to clutter our minds and hearts with resentment that is created by dwelling on the faults and weaknesses of our spouse. We need to forgive and move on (Miller).

Remember, no one is perfect. We are put on this earth to learn and grow. We are teaching one another, we are teaching our children. Dr. John M. Gottman comments that wives complain men still aren’t doing their fair share of domestic chores and child care (Gottman 125). This makes me wonder how many of these wives yield control to their spouses, or better yet, how many of the spouses actually accept the influence of their wives and step in to help.

Gottman talks about husbands who are “emotionally intelligent,” describing them as having figured out how to keep that detailed map I blogged about before, keeping the admiration and fondness for her, and he communicates it by turning toward her in his daily actions. This not only benefits the spouse, but the children as well. Because he is so connected to his wife, she will come to him not only in troubled times, but in good times, and so will his children (124-125).

Why do I add this little tidbit? Because it reminds me of my own marriage and family. This is what I hope for all marriages. To have a marriage where you can turn to your spouse and know you can trust that person with your deepest, darkest secrets. To know that your children can feel comfortable calling either one of you on the telephone from anywhere in the world for advice. That person is your best friend and will be with you for eternity.

References:

Benson, E.T., (1989). Beware of pride. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Book of Mormon

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

KJV Bible

Miller, R.B., (2011). Repentance and forgiveness in marriage. Ensign. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/09/repentance-and-forgiveness-in-marriage?lang=eng

Turn Toward An Eternal Bond

We are taught an eternal perspective to marriage, in this I truly believe that Heavenly Father did not intend the husband-wife relationship to last only for this life. Adam and Eve were married by Heavenly Father before the Fall, and their actions in the garden did not invalidate their holy marriage. Death did not separate them, as they were reunited in the spirit world. Exaltation in the modern days is only available to husbands and wives, a man and a woman who love each other dearly and are worthy, in the Holy Temple. As I have said before, being married in the Holy Temple enters a couple into “a new and everlasting covenant of marriage” (Doctrine & Covenants 131-4).

With such a wonderful start to marriages, one would think that everything would be of the utmost perfection. Elder Robert D. Hales reminded us:

“An eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities. The family relationships we have here on this earth are important, but they are much more important for their effect on our families for generations in mortality and throughout all eternity” (Hales).

President Ezra Taft Benson taught us that “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives…We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives” (Benson). What does this mean? It means what I have said previously, marriage is made up of little thorns that wheedle their way under a couple’s skin and cause irritation. You might find yourself grumbling about the way the toothpaste tube is used, the toilet paper roll is put on (does it really matter which way the paper faces?!), how your spouse tucks in their shirt, or any other miniscule irritation. Really, I am sure I can go on and on, but you have the picture by now. Once you get these things into your head, they transform from being small things into these enormous monstrosities that block out the wonderful person you married. These are the nitpicky things I referred to in my last blog post. 

Do not fret, these things can be overcome, and believe it or not, your significant other has probably done the same thing to you! Why does this happen, because Satan has seen what a wonderful relationship you have and has decided to dig a wedge in there. By keeping an eternal perspective on your marriage at all times, you can keep the adversary out and Heavenly Father in. I know, it is not all roses, and there will always be trials. Trials are for growth, they are not always bad, remember that.

So, back to the eternal perspective. H. Wallace Goddard has suggested that instead of judging our partner, we invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity (Goddard 59-60). I find this to be true, as we turn toward our spouses with love and kindness, they too will do the same with us. Which brings me to the next topic, turning toward your spouse.

When we have issues as described above, our tendency is to turn away, walk away, or get defensive. Do not tell me that you have not done it, as I know I have at one time or another, no one is perfect. We’re not s’posed to be perfect! Okay, I have your attention again. Look here, Dr. John Gottman spends hours upon hours studying archives filled with endlessly dull scenes in which, for example, the husband looks out the picture window and says, “Wow, look at that boat,” and the wife peers over magazine and says, “Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” and the husband grunts (Gottman 87).

Why does he do this? Because he is looking for something in particular, he knows after years of study, that couples who engage in lots of interaction tend to remain happy. What is happening in that little back and forth over the newspaper and picture window is the couple is connecting – they are turning toward each other (87).

Oh, I know, how romantic, right? It is not always like it is in the movies, for that I am thankful. Because after nearly twenty-five years, my relationship with my husband has never been anything near a Hollywood movie scene. This is okay, because we are happily married and the best friends. In our marriage we make what Gottman calls “bids” for attention – now mind you I did not know this is what they were called and that we were doing it – in marriage, couples are always making “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. These can be as minor ask asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill (88).

The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, and passion. Now this may sound crazy, but Gottman even says that romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, “Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically (88). But I am telling you, it is not crazy, because this is exactly what my husband and I do and have done.

Every time a couple turns toward one another, they are building up trust with each other. When the day comes that an issue arises, the couple is less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during those hard times (89). But marriage isn’t just about raising kids and splitting chores… (261).

Which, I can definitely attest! There is so much more to marriage, it is about making life with each other, a special bond which no one else understands. Gottman could have been talking about my marriage when he said this “Part of marriage’s culture, the story they tell themselves, about themselves, is what a great team they make, how feisty they are, how they thumbed their noses at all the naysayers and succeeded against the odds” (261). Did this mean that my husband shared the same dream? No, it just means that we found ways to turn toward each other, or as Gottman puts it to “mesh” (261).

We realized that even though our backgrounds growing up were quite different, we still held similar beliefs in raising children. This helped us to go forward and grow as a couple and as a family. The more shared meaning you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be. Along the way you’ll also be strengthening your marital friendship. This in turn will make it even easier to cope with any conflicts that crop up (263).

Marriages are strengthened when we incorporate the teachings and principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives and recognize that His mission is essential to our having an eternal companionship. Emotional and physical contact between husband and wife enriches that love, as a couple keeps the covenants and ordinances they have made in the Holy Temple before God, their relationship will continue through eternity.

References:

Benson, Ezra T. “The Great Commandment – Love the Lord,” Ensign, May 1988, online, https://www.lds.org/ensign/1988/05/the-great-commandment-love-the-lord?lang=eng

Doctrine & Covenants

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Hales, Robert D. “The Eternal Family,” Ensign, November 1996, p. 65

Mapping Your Marriage

http://www.theamateurwriter.com/2011/10/marriage.html

Do you realize that your marriage is a living organism? Take a step back and look at the effort it takes to keep a happy relationship intact. In past blogs I have talked about being best friends with your partner and the importance of getting to know each other. Getting to know one another does not stop when you marry. People are still growing and evolving throughout life. Make sure that as each of you grow, ensure that you are aware of the joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses that are happening to the other.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/build-love-maps/

Love Maps

When emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world, Dr. Paul Gottman refers to this as a love map. The couple remembers the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change (Gottman 54). Having this type of knowledge strengthens a marriage. There will be times, as mentioned before, when feelings will be hurt or something will seem a bit out of whack. The only way to get to the bottom of the issue is to know our spouse. 

Part of getting to the issue is listening to our spouse. We must open our ears and our hearts, not just pay lip service. How many times do we find ourselves just saying, “Uh huh,” when our spouse is earnestly spilling their day out to us? If we listen carefully and learn humbly about our partners’ points of view, we will be enlarged and enriched (Goddard 43). When asking our partner about their day, be ready to listen, and really absorb what they are saying. This may be the most important clue as to how they are growing spiritually, emotionally, mentally.

Using this knowledge goes perfectly into the idea of Gottman’s love map. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. Surprisingly, Gottman points out that a major source of marital dissatisfaction and divorce is having a child (Gottman 54). This was news to me, as I had always thought that adding a special little spirit was a wonderful decision, evidently this is not always the case.

Some marriages do not thrive so well when it comes to adding a bundle of joy to the mix. This is because these couples are not acutely aware of each other in the first place, their love map is not in place and they “lost their way”. If a couple keeps up to date with each other and are already aware of what each other is feeling and thinking, they will not be thrown off course (55). Of course, having a child is just one example, there are many other events in life which can throw a couple off course. Ensuring that you know each other is the major key in keeping on a steady course to eternal happiness.

Remember to keep updating your love map on a regular basis. The more you know about each other’s inner world, the more profound and rewarding your relationship will be (62). I have spent the past twenty-four plus years getting to know my husband, every day I learn something new about him. I am blessed for this opportunity, we are growing and learning spiritually and emotionally together – our love map. Interestingly, we did not even know we were following this guideline all along.

Happily married couples don’t “just” know each other. They build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways. For starters, they use their love maps to express not only their understanding of each other but their fondness and admiration as well (66).

Expressions of Love

Over the years my husband and I have never held back when it came to expressing our feelings for one another. We have always told each other “I love you” or “You look handsome” or “You look gorgeous,” well you get the picture. Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting relationship according to Dr. Gottman (69).  Sometimes a partner may have some issues that really drive us nuts, nobody is perfect, we are not meant to be. Interestingly, this has been addressed by the Prophets and Apostles, as noted in this quote from Elder Joe J. Christensen:

“Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become. “‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive” (Christensen 19).

When a relationship comes to the point where there is constant nagging, take a step back and think about what brought the two of you together. Not what began the argument, but think about your wedding or when you met, now what were you fighting about again?! When my husband and I argue, the arguments rarely last more than a half hour at the most. We usually end up making faces at each other, giggling, or saying something silly to lighten the mood. The issue is resolved and the day moves on. Never go to bed angry, always kiss each other goodnight. I like what Gordon B. Hinckley had to say about marriage:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another” (Hinckley 24).

Being positive is essential in a good relationship, I am a genuinely positive person for many reasons, which I will not delve into I have had to be. Having this positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit. Having a reserve of good feelings will prevent a cataclysm of thoughts about separation and divorce each time an argument arises (Gottman 71).

Heavenly Father promises, “Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again” (Luke 6:38).

One last thought I’d like to leave with this post is to cherish your spouse. Cherishing is a habit of mind in which, when you are separated during the course of the day, you maximize thoughts of your partner’s positive qualities and minimize thoughts of negative ones (78). By doing this you will have the opportunity to realize the worth of your spouse, and when you reunite at the end of the day, you will appreciate those blessings.

References:

Christensen, J.J., Marriage and Family Relations Participant’s Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Godddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into our marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

Hinckley, G. B., Marriage and Family Relations Participant’s Study Guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

The Holy Bible, (1979). Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Salt Lake City, UT.

Eternal Friendship

You know when you meet someone and you just know that is THE one person you will be with forever? Yeah, me too. Although I don’t think he knew it. My two year old did though, she was already calling him “daddy” before he was ready for that. I had to laugh the first time he came back from a month long training mission (he was in the Army) and she said “DADDY!” His response, “No, just John!” and gave her a big hug. She knew better, and in his heart, so did he. Twenty-four years later I am still married to my best friend.

How can this be done? Keep a positive, happy, relationship. When a couple does have arguments, do not let them last long and talk them out. As Dr. John Gottman said “Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day to day lives they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs… This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of romance, play fun, adventure and learning together that are at the heart of any long-lasting love affair”(4).

Gottman also said that “at the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” (21). Couples who take the time to get to know each other before marriage tend to stay together. I am not talking intimately, I am talking about their likes and their dislikes. What movies they like, what foods do they eat, do they like cats or dogs. Are they allergic to cats or dogs?! Is there a certain trait that really bugs you that you did not realize they had before? These are things you need to know BEFORE you marry. If they bother you now, will you be able to live with them for eternity? Gottman uses an example of a couple hosting a party: 

Nathaniel calls, “Where are the napkins?” and Olivia yells back edgily, “They’re in the cupboard?” Because their marriage is founded on a firm friendship, he shrugs off her tone of voice and focuses instead on the information Olivia has given him – the napkins are in the cupboard (22). 

The point here is because their friendship is so strong, Nathaniel knows that Olivia gets a little stressed when she feels crunched on time. This is what marriage is all about, knowing how your partner feels and not over reacting when they get a little snippy.

I am not saying that marriage is always sunshine and roses. H. Wallace Goddard put it bluntly when he said “God did not design marriage as a retirement village where we sunbathe, work the buffet, and play golf” (16). It takes the help of the gospel to keep a good marriage in proper order. Knowing that “Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan” (Proclamation) will help to maintain the couple on the right course. We need to remember that if we make a mistake, have a squabble, spill a little milk, there is forgiveness to be had. Do not be too quick to judge. As H. Wallace Goddard reminds us, “How vital mercy is in family life! We forgive our parents of their flaws and limited knowledge. We forgive our partners for being human. We forgive our children for being children grace and mercy are at the heart of love family life” (32).

I will leave you with this last reminder from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, “True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us. We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it” (Wirthlin).

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., Silver, N., (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. (2nd edition) New York: Harmony Books.

The First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles (1995) The Family: a proclamation to the world, retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Wirthlin, J.B., (2007). The great commandment. Ensign, retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng