Tony Robbins - Intimate Relationships

I found this YouTube video very interesting and thought I would share it.

Building the In-Law Relationship

Now that we have covered various couple dynamics, let’s talk about relationships with the in-laws. For some this is a point of contention, especially when the couple comes from different backgrounds. Getting along with your in-laws does not have to be a dreaded adventure, but there are some things a couple should think about heading into their marriage. I can honestly say that it has not always been an easy road for me and my husband when it came to working with in-laws, on either side. We have learned to do many of the suggestions I am about to share.

Leaving the Nest

One of the most difficult times in a parent’s life is when their child goes out on their own. When he or she comes home with a fiancé, reality sets in that the son or daughter is no longer a child, this is sometimes hard for parents to accept. This is a time for the parents to let go. Let your son or daughter know that no matter what, you are still there but allow them to create their own relationship.

The scriptures tell us “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24). The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as “to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast.” This is not only for the husband, this is for the wife as well, the newly married couples are to cleave unto each other. This does not mean that they do not need their parents, they just need them in a different role.

As I have learned from experience, when a child starts their own family it does not mean that as a parent you are completely abandoned. You have simply stepped into a new pair of shoes, those of strength, love, concern and encouragement. Your son or daughter will still call and ask for advice, but you must remember to allow the new couple room to grow and be independent. President Spencer W. Kimball cautioned parents and married children regarding their relationships:

“Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers. … Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things. . . Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. …Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together.”

Marital Identity

Once a couple is married, it is wise for the parents to remember that they are now in a new stage of their lives. The newly married couple is now their own family, and must be treated as such. This is now their time to develop a new identity as a couple, in their new marriage. If one or the other is having marital issues and wishes to share them with you, encourage them to speak to their spouse. As I have said previously in this blog, communication is one of the keys to a long lasting relationship.

Often the relationship between families can be a tug-of-war, with the wife’s mother giving the main tug on one end the husband’s mother at the other end. If this is the case, it is important for both the husband and wife not to be in the middle. Research demonstrates that daughters-in-law who use husbands as mediators with mothers-in-law often maker their own marriage and their relationship with the mother-in-law worse. Parents must give the newly married couple time to adjust and allow to be independent (Harper, 328).

President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Genesis 2:24, said: 

“She, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so clear to all of us. Even the children must take their proper but significant place. I have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in their affection and crowd out the father. That is a serious mistake.”

We might add that it is a serious mistake for newly married sons or daughters to put their parents in that first place and crowd out the new husband or wife. The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship (Harper, 328).

As difficult as it is for parents to not have their children at certain family functions, remember it is up to the couple to decide which function they are able to attend. Do not try to change the couples mind by laying on guilt trips or trying to manipulate them into attending your function over another if they have already made their own plans. Intrusion by in-laws, both physically by too many visits and phone calls, and emotionally by too many strongly held opinions, is a major concern of new daughters- and sons-in-law. When parents have difficulty with this, they need to look at whether they are too enmeshed with their children.

Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together, to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can’t attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt.

Parents who are enmeshed with their children may be tempted to use coercive strategies, which at first glance may appear acceptable. Parents should not attempt to play the martyr, they should allow their children to seek the Spirit and ask for their own spiritual answers. Married children are entitled to receive revelation for their stewardship in guiding their families, and parents and grandparents should support and encourage their married children to do so. This does not mean that parents and grandparents should always avoid giving spiritual guidance. When asked, they should offer their opinions, but even well intentioned parents or other family members should use great caution in assuming that they more powerful or immediate access to the Spirit than their married children. Rather than using coercive means to keep married children close, parents should realize that greater dependence on Heavenly Father will result when married children are encouraged to receive their own spiritual answers (Harper, 329).

This does not mean that you cannot be close to your married children and remain their friends, closeness, is different from enmeshment. Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present. Parents need to learn to let married children have their own experiences and solve their own problems, except for situations when parents are invited to provide input and support.

If married children are having enmeshment difficulties with their parents and parents-in-law, they may want to:

1. First express love to the parents for all that they do.
2. Explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity.
3. Explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship. It is important to express that this is not betrayal or withdrawal of love and to assure the parents that the couple will participate in some family activities (Harper, 329).

Giving a place where your children can safely express their feelings about how involved they would like you to be will have the greatest influence. They will also want to spend more time with you if you treat them with respect and love.

Triangulation is created when communication either builds a stronger relationship with the parent than the spouse, or excludes the spouse. Parents should encourage children to discuss matters with their spouses. In families where triangulation is common, information about children and their spouses shared with other family members could lead to gossip and subsequent estrangement (Harper, 330). Discourage gossip, this only leads to anger and hurt feelings.

Differences

Since we are not all raised the same, there are going to be differences in opinions, I have covered some of these already. Marrying into a family that is different from yours or had different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with the differences.

Mothers-in-law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases, this may be upsetting. Believe me, this was something my mom-in-law found out all too quickly, but we grew on each other. Now we get along pretty well, and have even found that we have many things in common.

Difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members. Prayer, fasting, and loving long-suffering are the best remedies when difference of children-in-law bother us (Harper, 330).

Inclusion

A primary issue for new spouses is how parents and other family members include a new person in their family system. Research has shown that lack of marital approval, in-law blaming or triangulation, intrusion, forcing loyalty issues, holding grudges, and refusing to redefine one’s role as a parent are related to poor in-law relationships and also jeopardize the marriage of the son or daughter.

In one study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval for support of parents to marry. If parents are anticipating the marriage of their son or daughter, they should encourage the couple to ask both sets of parents for permission to marry, but parents should also find numerous ways to give messages that they trust the child’s judgement and see him or her as fully capable of building a good marriage. …Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them (332). Although we trust our daughter’s judgement, we were pleased when her fiancé asked our permission via Skype to marry her, this meant a great deal to us.

Defining Roles

When new roles are being defined for both parents and children, it helps parents to realize that they have to make adjustments that may not always be comfortable. This is normal and the discomfort may disappear with time and effort. Parents sometimes worry that sons and daughters will like their in-laws more than they like them. It is wise to see this new set of parents as complementary rather than competitive replacements. Parents can be supportive by encouraging their child’s relationship with his or her in-laws, by inquiring sometimes about the well-being of the other in-laws, and by avoiding duplicating in a competitive way what the other set of in-laws does.

Even before they are married, couples begin to learn that their families are different. The more a person can learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the prospective spouse’s family, the easier it will be to feel included. Examples of unspoken rules include how family members handle conflict, who is involved in making decisions, how emotionally expressive family members can comfortably be, how humor is demonstrated in the family, or what topics should not be discussed. The clearer the rules are, the better, because new sons- or daughters-in-law can’t follow rules if they don’t understand them.

If a married couple finds a parent of other extended family member to be disruptive or harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together. They will need to decide what limits to place on the type of contact and time they spend with that family member. They should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds. At times, the situation may be deemed serious enough to warrant cutting off contact with in-laws and extended family members who actively seek to harm family members or destroy relationships.

Gloria Horsley listed five things that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are:

1. Giving advice.
2. Pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event.
3. Criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren.
4. Trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs.
5. Unclear and indirect communication.

Conversely, when parents-in-law do things right, their influence is remembered and felt long after they are gone.

Adult children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them. Research shows that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves, communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and push for a relational connection, they can have high-quality relationships with mothers-in-law (Harper, 332).

As a parent-in-law it is important to accept differences; encourage the marital identity of the children by helping them to develop and maintain marital boundaries; avoiding intrusion; only offer advice when asked; do not criticize; and work on a personal, positive relationship with the son- or daughter-in-law. These are some important opportunities that should not be missed. When my daughter and her fiancé were here over Christmas break, I tried to spend as much time with my future son-in-law as I could getting to know him. This helped to grow the relationship and develop our respect for the two of them as a couple.

Reference:

Harper, James M., and Susanne Frost Olsen (2005). Helping and Healing Our Families. (Deseret Book: Salt Lake City)